Negan Mactavish's profile picture

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Category: Life

My face is plain

I've spent the past several months going over documents, media and entertainment where people have interesting appearances. Ranging from the scars of the unknown prisoners in photographs from WW2 to the technologically beautiful prosthetics in sci-fi and cyberpunk related media. Even the beautiful done makeup from alternate creators such as Jake Munro or the Norse mythology artists on social media. Scarification and piercings have further caught my eye as I look on. I have several piercings but only two on my face. I did have an eyebrow bar but that was partly ripped by a dog and most recently my industrial rejected after a brief period of stress. My freckles are faint and my skin is pale and I have only a few moles (or 'beauty marks' as some call them) that decorate my face. 

I am so plain in the face and somehow it upsets me. 

I am no one gorgeous nor attractive. No matter how big I grow my muscles or how many tattoos I get on my body my face will always remain plain. Naked. Spaced out. Disgusting. To me at least. I don't care if others view it as something they'd like to look at or a jealousy for my freckles (Seriously? Why would you want these dots?) I'm trying to live by my expectations. Look at me, typing gibberish that no one will even see. 

I want something to happen to my face. I could learn the outrageous makeup many have started wearing when they so much as step out for a simple run to the corner shop or for their conventions. My muscles won't be enough, the shaven patterns in my hair won't be enough, I need to look like these characters I imagine whenever my brain goes into a daze. I want people to stare but not in awe, disgust or with a question that is "why?" but with a thought "stay away from this one". Stay away from me. 

Maybe I should look at the laws of Scarification here. They aren't massively strict on people's appearances much. I walked past a doctor with a tattoo creeping up her face, ears with massive plugs and she was barking orders at the nurses around her. If I had big scars on my body I would create stories that are obviously fake. I fought a Deathclaw, I punched Alduin in the throat, I bashed heads with Adam Smasher, I fought along side Kassandra, I dodged a bullet running out of a bank during a heist with Trevor, I single handily saved the world from a colony of Xenomorphs attempting to invade us, I fuckin' startled the witch trying to dodge a jockey. If people continued to push for the real reason, I'd simply tap the side of my nose and continue with whatever task I was doing previously. 

I want to feel powerful and I want to look it. I can't do it with such a plain face. 

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