hellooo how are you guys doing today? (⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠♪ i'm good, it was an evenful day full of new recipes and a new friends bday (hope she had a good one <3)

speaking of friends, did you know exactly a year ago, i had no friends? i'm not gonna list things, i know some people don't have the energy to listen to bullshit. for short, i was at my rock bottom completely. taking a look exactly a year later, i've changed so much. i won't say bullshit like "i got older", i will never discredit my efforts in life the way i constantly did a year ago. 

short disclaimer: if you happen to suffer from mental illness, don't expect me to immedeatly cure it with a single blog. don't have such high hopes for anyone in life honestly. though i recommend perhaps giving this one a read, as i am also a mentally ill person myself who is diagnosed with multiple disorders. if you have access to mental health services, please give them a try first. i wish you recovery and a happy life ⁽⁠⁽⁠ଘ⁠(⁠ ⁠ˊ⁠ᵕ⁠ˋ⁠ ⁠)⁠ଓ⁠⁾⁠⁾

TRIGGER WARNING FOR: SUICIDE, BULLYING, SLIGHT MENTIONS OF HARMFUL ADDICTIONS 

back to topic. i want to talk about my story. idc much about my dramatic past anymore but i want you to have an example in your mind first

a year ago, i was 17 or something. what do you think of when you hear "rock bottom"? i think of this: 

- constant self pitying, triggering self on purpose to do so

- not caring whether relationships are genuine, only asking for a friend to feel included

- harmful addictions maxxed

- no hope left in humanity to the point you are suspicious of everyone and take every single thing as an insult

- severe self hatred to the point you fake your personality, likes, dislikes, everything. which makes it hard to recognize yourself

- either putting extreme amounts of effort on hiding natural beauty or completely neglecting everything about yourself to the point you can't even care for your hygiene

- unstable relationships

- constantly changing love interests as even being treated like a human makes you think that person is special, tendency to idolize them and obsess over the idea of being loved by them forever (basically just wanting to be loved by them and not actually loving them)

- active anger towards anyone who did you wrong slightly

- suicidal thoughts, "would they love me if i k*lled myself?" (no, and who cares if they don't)

andddd the examples could go on. do you relate to any of these? how many?

i don't want you to think it's the end of the world. as you can see i survived all these and i want you to see how you can try to improve your mindset and life. and remember before i get to explaining, even the slightest improvement is an improvement. it matters way more than you think, those tiny steps will get you to running someday. i didn't just magically get better (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠)

firstly. let me start with one thing. if you really feel like you have the shittiest life, what else do you have to lose? what will you lose if you try to just get up? sure it seems scary, i see the point you have but let me tell you one thing, even your worst night had a morning right after it. stop using excuses and stop self pitying, please. those are blockages YOU are putting by yourself. you are so used to the idea that "if people pities me, i can still have my way" for how long will they do that? you think you genuinely deserve to be taken care of only because someone pitied you for once? let me tell you, you will be dropped like an egg and crack open

don't worry! i was thinking the exact same! infact that's what prevented me from getting up, the blockages i put by myself. IT'S ALWAYS THE ONES YOU PUT BY YOURSELF!

and now let me tell you, the blame isn't entirely yours. but that doesn't make it any less wrong to hurt yourself. i know, you might have suffered. you may have suffered alot and i feel you. my trauma haunted me for the longest time aswell, sometimes i still remember it.

what changed is my perspective. back then, i saw it as "what ruined my forever", now i see it as "the hard event i managed to survive and used to build myself instead of letting it shatter me".

just because i said this, i don't mean "trauma makes you stronger". i believe this is a slightly toxic mindset as nobody has to face such violent events just so they can get stronger. you aren't meant to get stronger by being hurt. please don't fall for such toxic mindset.

i think of it this way: "if they try to hurt me, then i will show them my pain is temporary yet my wisdom is eternal."

in short: you may be hurt by their actions yet what to do is never let them kill you and always get up. sometimes your pain is so severe you may think you're dead when you are infact still alive.

remember the blockages i told you about? yes, your thoughts are whats preventing you from simply getting up even though you're not dead. do you see the importance now?

and how do you remove these blockages?

simple. go and face them.

no i'm not shitting with you. stop making up thousands of scenarios in your mind and just go face them. didn't you say you were at rock bottom? what will you lose? don't you think people already dislike you in general? what if you fail? what are the chances? people will mock you? is it the first time someone will mock you? no? then who cares?

what prevented me from getting up for an example was, "if i try, people will mock me!" and now ask me? was it my first time being mocked? hell i got mocked my entire childhood. and despite all these nasty efforts i am alive and well 😘

your blockages can be personal, so it really is up to you. i just gave you my example because that's the fear of majority. you will figure it out, don't worry 💝 imagine this: you are debating against your despairful self.

my "is it the first time" technique works on me alot.

"i feel ugly.. what if people think so aswell?"

"is it the first time someone thinks you're ugly? who cares?" (i got mocked for how i look over a decade to the point even strangers mocked me on street yet now even strangers tell me i'm pretty. secret? just improved my mindset. infact people i've been in the same class for year became immedeatly more respectful (and still is 💋) and began constantly complimenting me during our rare interactions despite my uninterested attitude (don't fake it, you gotta genuinely stop caring what they think for it to work💁🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️) when i began loving myself even slightly. what's really ugly about me? ex. your nose you say? did you ever think it's actually ugly before someone even subconsciously made you think so? so, thinking rationally, it's not ugly. you're just letting the thoughts of some randoms haunt you for the rest of your life, and they won't go and pity you when they realize. they will be happy that what they want is coming true: they made you insecure. you really wanna let them win? when theres no actual proof of your nose being ugly? now apply this to whatever you're insecure of. that's what helps me the most. infact, affirm it a few times a day if you won't obsess over it. you're welcome, think rationally baby 💝💝)

"how do i talk to her... what if she laughs at me? what if she's only talking to me so she can mock me behind my back?"

"first time someones laughed at you over the most humane interaction? lol" (and no she didn't do such thing infact we are eachothers closest friends now 💝💝 never put your guard down completely yet never be full of it either. find balance)

"ugh... i can't make friends... i'm a total reject..."

"not the first time you think this way." (the reason people may act odd during conversations is actually likely that they can sense something is off with you - that something is your low self esteem which stresses you out during conversations. you two are of the same species, naturally you can tell when they're off. people react much more nicely when you genuinely don't care and react calmly. (don't go faking a calm attitude aswell please...))

and the examples could go on. you name it.

all i ask for is. think of this entire blog you've read. if it helps you take the smallest step, just keep going. find your own motivation. and remember once more - if all others thoughts did was taking you down, then theres no point in looking back at them. it's your one and only time living (atleast i believe so), don't let them ruin it.

i hope this helps you even in the tiniest bit. tell me if you need any help. i hope my wording was alright, i wish you great improvement. you've got this, despite how long it takes. what matters is that it's stable 💝💝 (⁠♡⁠ω⁠♡⁠ ⁠)⁠ ⁠~⁠♪

love you baby you deserve the best forever 🦁🦁💝💝🫶🏻🫶🏻