Praying at Bedtime - Bia - my original song

I wrote this when I was having another bout of insomnia and hallucinations. During these times I usually experience sleep paralysis, and it always involves this shadow that I've seen since I was very little; I even consider it my childhood friend lol. Anyway, at that time I was also quite involved with the Catholic religion, not because I believed faithfully, but because of doubt. I still consider myself an atheist; this was just a moment of real despair. So, I wrote this showing my indignation at never having been able to achieve faith like my cousins ​​and feel safe through a light. Today I'm fine; it's been a while since I've had these episodes, and I hope it's a long time before they return.
Take care, whatever your faith may be.

I am suffering from the pain of grief

the body I stare at every night in the corner of my room 

Watching me for action  

My gaze ripped away in fear and despair

Just this dry husk, desperately waiting to be set on fire

the soul found in the emptiness of comforting solitude 

What are you expecting from me? 

I realize my faith has been ripped away

with indignation  

I deny her. 

But I'm just disappointed  

Why do it this way? 

Why must I meet you in pain?   

Why not in hope like the rest?

Is this all a test? 

Are you really looking at me? 

these scars placed on me 

I'm disillusioned.  

lost now in grief  

in the final act to end

last sensation in this meat 

This world doesn't deserve this skin 

the skin that you should give me as sacred 

Is all of this really from you? 

Your faith will not reach me 

Your followers don't convince me,

They made you a failure. 

"all pious

my light 

all sacred and powerful  

that sets us free 

(but made us for pure sin)

Oh Amen! 

Please remove these stakes from my heart, which leaps in agony

Please take this curse of mourning away from me 

Oh Amen!

I fight for my own soul. 

Do I truly find you now in the perdition of all my sins, given to me by your whispers? 

These eyes are looking at you now. 

Would you forgive me?

For something that was imposed on me? 

my Father? 

I feel used and abused

I will give you my sighs and all the rest of my rotten soul 

That maybe to find you in the end

And forgive you,

Amen. 

Bianca Banana ♰