growing up

i feel like i have been wasting my life and my childhood, for the past 5 years my life changed a lot, i feel like most of these days i just tried to surivive and not live, probably bc of my deppression but i dont only mean it that way, i feel like somedays i have just wasted by waiting for them to pass so a spasific day would come.

now that next year i am going to be some kind of "adult" is really disappointing in a way bc i really do realise that the time i have wasted wont come back and from here i can just keep on growing up and become a real adult or stop growing up forever and i dont want to grow up 

to realise that i wont be the "new" gen and that i wont know about all the new trends in a few years, 

to realise that i will need to go to work everyday just so i could "live"

to realise that i will lose more people in my life is really hard for me to accept.

and people say that it gets better but its not, how does life actually get better? i would have more stress, i would lose more people, and people would have higher expections from me.

for the past 5 years my ment@lhealth got worse and it got to the point that i gave up on getting better

i really hate that i really understad things now, like a few years ago "i would never be a kid again" didnt really bother me bc i didnt really understod that i will never be a kid again and now "i would never be a kid again" is  really scaring me i dont want to grow up every year that pass is becoming faster and fast and it feels like i am wasting my life 

12/3/2026