strange dreamlike state // between dreams & reality

ive been taunted by nightmares recently, well when i say recently i mean for the past month.

honestly ive had phases like these before but it never lasted that long, thats a first for me, also the most impactful aspect of those nightmares used to be the violence they submitted me to. 

however, my recent nightmares have been less and less brutal and more of a disturbing/confusing nature. they feel extremely realistic in the sense that i feel myself in them and my thinking process as well as my perception of the world is surprisingly similar to the way it is in when i am awake, which is heavily confusing when faced with absurd situations such as they happen to be in dreams.

brutal and violent things still happen to my dreamself -though always down to earth ones- yet my most recent head trips have been nothing but disconcerting, incongruous and overall disorienting.

they have also been more and more detailed which makes them seem longer and additionally adds to the anguish i feel and this eerie atmosphere.

i cannot ignore the impact that the treatment i started a few months ago (antidepressants) has on this situation, i came across a few testimonies online -or not- sharing that the nature of their dreams had changed after taking said treatment, most people agree on the fact that their dreams had become much more intense. not everyone describes the same things exactly but thats the general conclusion.

on my part i have often had sleeping issues and recently (unemployed/drop out) my sleep schedule has been disastrous: insomnia, bad quality of sleep, nightmares. sometimes i am sleeping during the day, then i am awake at night and vice versa.

my point was, my loose daytime routine is starting to collide with my unsettling night trips. this creates a hazy in-between and this past week i found myself wondering if what i experienced was a dream or an actual memory.

it is not scary, rather intriguing. i feel i am getting a taste of what slowly losing one's sanity might look like, though -thankfully- i am clearly not there yet.