21st Century Ides (Poem)

Flashes of long gone love, a haunting specter
I lost something somewhere in complacent immorality
Weighing pros and cons, true or false, all fallacy
I've long since failed at trying to protect her.

Like a merciful gun to the temple—
traitorous pieces of silver in the palm.
Blood of the covenant, so thoroughly betrayed.
I've seldom felt guilt for the games that I've played.
But in spite of attempts to forget her, I see her in every fall.

In the cold wind I feel eleven years.
Hours deliberating lead to no clear results.
Even if they had, I'd doubtless fall back on my faults.
It's far too late for truth to be found in her tears.

Gap widened with each cold moon's revolution.
Between actions and morality, truth and lie,
feelings and reality, her and I.
I know that I will never get my retribution.

"Love spells" she cast—
I defended and mocked.
Overdue intervention pushed her over the brink.
Forever haunted by our inseverable, miserable link. 
A decade's worth of portraits she had drawn of us,
In a drawer—locked.

Trapped away like guilt and a lended lighter. 
Hatred waning back and forth, like the notes we passed.
Tender children in a park, no clue what would happen—
How long it would last.
I should have known what I was doing, how it would ignite her.

Two-way fratricide, drastic measures towards separation.
Object/subject of torment, and years of juvenile art.
From her memory, I want nothing more—
Than to fully depart.
Dozens of drafts of her final farewell prefaced—
My name in her dedication.

Many times, I had written her a eulogy.
(Irreconcilable, mournful as I was vindictive.
We both should have been convicted.)
Selfishly I thought, it would have been much easier to deliver
Than an apology.