Public Journal Entry #1.5

Night of entry: Mar. 10

Topic?: Mini brain worms about friendship/aquaintances

Dear darling journal,

I am writing a rather short entry this time due to time constraints and my poor sleep quality lately, but I wanted to write anyhow. I ran into two of my friends today! It was at the Target when I had to pick up some tea before the storm, and they ran up to me in the parking lot. I was happy to see the but the vibe (solely on my end) felt somewhat awkward? Like I would have considered them close friends around this time last year, but we honestly hadn’t hung out properly in months and I felt very lost on how to interact all of a sudden. The two of them continued to hang out consistently, as they are best friends, but I felt myself falling flat in the conversation a few times. I didn’t want to, mind you, it just happened. I like them a lot, but I have a bad habit of having slight animosity toward people I fall out of touch with. Especially in this case because there was some rumor about on of the girls speaking ill of our mutual close friend, but that’s not relevant. Anyway tldr: it was awkward for me to feel somewhat out of the loop but also not. And then my bestie also happened to be there and conversation was easier because I see her all the time but then I got to thinking,

How many people wouldn’t be our friends if it weren’t for their connections to established friends?

I don’t mean that literally by the way, or else the answer would be “a shit ton, obviously” cause that’s how you make friends most of the time. I mean in terms of hanging out solo. Like do others in friend groups feel this way? Like if it were all 4-7 of you or wtv everyone is a close friend, but if it were one on one it’s more like half of them are? I more so wonder if it even matters. Should I bother exploring the one on one connections within the friend group? Or does it matter more in terms of a group dynamic? Is it too awkward to hang out without the full posse? 

These are just today’s brainstorms, so no serious talk, but I’m curious. If you care for my opinion, I would say I’m curious about trying to see my friends when we’re not stuck to the people we’re most comfortable with. Finding a common ground or a vibe that might otherwise be muffled is a nice thing imo. It’s definitely awkward, but with anxiety everything is so I may as well suck it up and try to be social in a different way sometimes. 

Have a lovely night,

Ari