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(Note to readers: please don’t flood my comment section with false hopes, “don’t to it” or “seek help” messages. They’re not supplementing me with new ideas or thoughts and just proving me right)
I’ve been trying to be there for everyone around me for as long as I can remember.
How selfless I am
My little sister (now 9)
grew up with divorced parents and has no memories of her father. Our mother wants to keep her away from him (not because he is a bad person, but because… well, that’s for another journal entry, because I would have to interpret their dynamic).
At least I still have some good memories of them together (although I still don’t know if that’s a good thing).
For the most part, I try to take on a fatherly role in her life. I help educate her in school and life, I entertain her, spend my little money and time on her, and yes, sometimes I annoy her and she annoys me and we fight from time to time. But we always talk it out in the end.
I know I’m not perfect, and I wish I could be better to and for her, but honestly? That’s all I can give without completely giving up myself in the process.
My mother
is seriously ill, and I can’t even take a couple of steps outside with her without the possibility of her fainting and waking up with either stroke symptoms, epileptic headaches and strong muscle contractions, or emotional distress.
It’s not an easy sight, to be honest.
That’s why I always have to tag along with her whenever she needs to go out somewhere, which only happens once every two to four months.
The more my mother stays inside our home, the worse she gets mentally and physically. And the result? I receive most of her frustration because I am the oldest.
My mother has no one to talk to. She is getting more bitter by the day. But I also can’t find it in myself to speak with her casually, because most of our interactions are about why I am such a disappointment in her parenting, why I am unlovable, why I will never find a partner because of the way I am, and how every choice in my life has been bad.
Mind you: I am 22.
I graduated from high school and I am working on my bachelor’s degree in fitness economics . I have zero relationship experience, but I know I could be a somewhat good father.
I clean, do the dishes, wash clothes, go grocery shopping…basically everything you should do when you grow up.
My aunt
visited us with her three little kids a couple of days ago and stayed for three days.
During that time I had to go grocery shopping three times in one day and a fourth time on the third day. I washed the dishes after every meal for seven people and entertained the kids from time to time.
Since my 10-year-old niece and my 9-year-old sister rarely get time alone together, I tried to entertain my 2-year-old cousin and my 4-year-old niece as well so the older girls could have some girl time together.
I felt my batteries draining, and I even got asked to help them move next month.
My grandma
and I have a weird connection, since our language barrier keeps us from having deep conversations (she mainly speaks Turkish, while I speak German or English).
Why do I mention that?
Well, I often have to help her go to doctor’s appointments and lead the medical conversations with the doctors.
Today, like last time, we went to her heart doctor. Normally the route would have taken no more than 30 minutes. But my grandma also has difficulty walking, which made the trip take an hour and a half.
After they basically did nothing with her, we went to the hospital to get an appointment there. The secretary sent us to the wrong area, where we waited another 30 minutes before going somewhere else, where they told us the closest appointment available was in June.
You’ve got to be kidding, right?
After that, I took my grandma home and went grocery shopping again.
When I arrived home, I found my little sister feeling sick, so I helped her and took care of her. Because I was exhausted, I went to sleep at 6 pm like my sister and woke up again around 9 pm.
Now it’s almost 3 am, and I’m not even at the selfish part yet.
How selfish I am
Listen, I don’t follow any particular religion, but someone once replied to one of my comments with “Jesus loves you ✝️☦️.”
Don’t get me wrong…I love the idea of someone loving me unconditionally.
Like…Who doesn’t?
But the thing about that is that “Jesus” loves everyone unconditionally and equally. Which is great…
But I wish that, once in a while, someone would love only me specifically, and more importantly, unconditionally.
No one has ever felt that way about me since I grew up, which honestly makes me quite bitter, bothered, and most importantly insecure.
Like… what do you mean I do so much and get so little appreciation back?
I even scheduled my work holidays (yes, I go to university and work at the same time and still make time for family) during the same days as my sister’s school holidays so I could spend time with her.
I’m 11 days into my holiday and I still haven’t had time for myself.
I’m frustrated.
I don’t get much appreciation besides a few small “thank yous.”.
Meanwhile, all my friends
are in relationships, some even living with their partners. And here I am not even having received my first kiss and still getting butterflies when someone holds my hand or shows me basic kindness.
I go through depressing periods every two to three weeks where, besides thinking about what I have to do at work, home, or university, the only other thoughts I have are about self-harm or “unsubscribing” from life.
I constantly find myself thinking about hurting myself or going far far away and never return.
Now here is the reason for the title:
I wrote so many things that make me look selfless.
Now… is it okay for me to be selfish too?
People always say that “unsubscribing” is a selfish act.
Am I too selfish for wishing that someone other than “Jesus” would love me not just like everyone else, but specifically me, and if possible unconditionally too?
If it’s too selfish to wish for someone like that, but it’s also too selfish to unsubscribe… what am I supposed to do?
I believe I’ve paid my fair share of selflessness to be really selfish at least once.
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