GUYS GUYS I'M A GIRLFRIEND NOW!!!!!

my first relationship ever:)

From the moment they caught and grasped my guts, I’ve completely stopped putting any foundation to my face, because I wanted them to see me in all my ugliness and I wanted to see it if they still accept me or not. They accepted.

From the moment my pupils started to be a little too much directed towards them, I completely stopped biting my fingernails because I wanted them to think that my hands are pretty. And they thinks so, they told me and I believe. 

From the moment my smiles got wider around them, I completely stopped leaving empty the places of the words I couldn’t come up with in the crossword puzzle and instead began to write their name in those places. Because they would know better. Especially if it has the same number of letters as their name, it’s definitely more fun.

From the moment they gave me a blue ballpoint pen as a gift and wrote their names in my notebook to show the quality of the pen, all the next pens I bought were all blue ballpoint pens and I always wrote their name as my first word to try them out.

From the moment I managed to snatch a photo of them, I went to a photographer that very day and had it printed. So they also exist and live in my wallet.

From the moment I told my mother about them, I recorded all our next calls so that I can play those records to hear their voice and listen to our conversations all over again. They still don't know. 

From the moment I wrote the first poem about them, I started to dedicate a whole notebook to them. Just like I would dedicate a book, not a chapter, if my life were one, they would never be a side character.

From the moment I arrived home after they lent me their shirt in our last meeting, I just stuffed it into my pillowcase and hide it there. I still haven’t given them back, it just helps me sleep better.

From the moment I learned that they know much more languages than I know, I just started to learn them too. Not to compete, but to get know them in every way, every language, intimately, utterly. Beyond English.

From the moment I saw their bookshelves, vinyl record collection and movie DVDs; I put them all on my mental list of urgently to be read, listened to, and watched to. I have to understand all of their jokes and references, I have to be the woman of hour, not just a mail carrier trying to catch peeks behind the firmly closed curtains of the windows, -while putting my thoughts and dreams in their mailbox- that occasionally knocks the front door to the house of their minds.

From the moment they started to borrow novels from me, no matter how damaged the novels returned, I wasn’t upset. Because those novels were handled by their hands, their traces were there, and I would do nothing but cherish this particular souvenir, and I did not.

From the moment they defeated me at chess, I savoured the pleasure of losing like a masochist. After all, they were better at chess, I was better at admiring.

None of this actually didn't happened. Such a person doesn't even exist around me. I made them up. Yes, I’m not someone's lover, I’m your liar now.

There were no makeup free faces, I still do sometimes. There were no healthy fingers, since I was like, 4 or something. There were no blanks spaces in the crossword puzzle, because I am usually right. There were no gifted blue ballpoint pens, because I have money. There were no photographs, why should I wish to love someone else’s before I run away even from my own face. I just mostly tell for the show. There were no calls, because nobody called me unless I did, apart from Mom and Dad. There were no poems for someone in notebooks, because someone didn't do that for me, it’s tiring being the artist muse all the time. There were no shirts stuffed in pillowcases because nobody lent me their clothes, yes, I’m that independent(!) of a woman. And certainly there were no languages to learn since people hardly bother with talking to me. There were no books, albums, and movies in my list; because no list for me, nothing went according to a plan for me. There were no novels to give someone because nobody asked for it. There were no chess games to play, and I was good at everything but admiring, I’m too much hate person for that.

From the moment I made it all up but I still can't help but think I would be a good lover. Instead of a good liar. So for now, I’m my own girlfriend as usual. And I got the finest possible girlfriend in the whole world. She’s a sweetheart, really. I’m nothing but a lucky girl.

:)