People around me made me have racist biases and i didnt even realize (rant)

Sigh.........This is gonna be embarresting, but i wanna talk abt it. First of all, im white, im eastern european and my country is very fucking racist (moreso towards gypsies, but also black people sometimes) and i always hated it, and judged them, but lately i realized their influence rubbed on me too and i didnt even realize.

Lets start with the time i was accused of being racist by my family. So, my family has gypsy relatives, my dad more specifically, his sister is gypsy, so obviosly i had gypsy cousins. Now, i didnt know much abt racism at that age, except what white people were saying abt gypsies (AHEM...that they steal kids) so ig u could say i was scared of them, but i didnt hate them, and esp not my cousins. Now we were at a party, and they told us to dance in pairs of 2. Literally every female relative had already chosen each other, and i had to pair up with my younger male cousin, and i DIDNT want to, and thats bcs he was a boy, and i was extremly afraid and unconfortable around boys at that time (sum trauma im not gonna get into here), but my whole family, including my gypsy relatives thought i didnt want to bcs he was gypsy. My dad got so mad and scolded me for years and i didnt know how to tell them that i wasnt racist, i was just scared of boys. I told them i would have danced with my female gypsy cousin, but they didnt believe me. So bcs of that reaction, i really tried to not be racist ever since.

But.....thing is, my whole family is racist against gypsies. And they scolded me for years on a misunderstanding, but theyre doing the same thing. Anyway, i dont want to talk abt racism against gypsies rn, that was never a problem, i met many gypsy people, men and women, and they were nice so i was never racist even tho some of the ones i met were problematic. No, i wanna talk abt racism against black people, bcs its harder to overcome in a country where theres not a lot of black people around (At least in my city).

Oh boy where do i start? Ig i wanna talk abt the sexualization first. An example of this is when i was in 4th or 5th grade, and a boy in my class was saying some racist shit, so i told him to cut it out. And he responded: "Oh you like black guys bcs they have a big dick, thats why youre defending them". And i was shocked, at the very least. I was shocked he thought i only defended someone bcs i was attracted to them. And also, bcs of some sexual trauma, i was repulsed by anything sexual, so by him saying that i kinda felt scared of defending black people again, bcs what if they responded the same? Saying sexual stuff about me, AND them. I tried to ignore it, but pretty much everyone around me said the same story, that black guys have a big dick and are hypersexual. Movies and shows didnt help either, since my family watched a lot of comedy movies and yk black men there are either really sexual, really muscular and a criminal, or a pimp or something idfk TT. 

Hell, MY COUSIN didnt help either. Not the gypsy one, oh no. Another one, a white boy older than me. He, for some reason, was very invested into rap culture, specifically gangs and stuff like that, and he would always tell me about gang wars, and rap songs that were only abt crime, money and treating women like sex objects. So imagine young me, never met or talked to a black person, and only had this outside information about them. So yeah its fucking embarresting, but if u were to ask me back then to imagine a black guy, it would either be a criminal, or a hypersexual mysoginist. 

And i knew about racism, i knew about slavery, and called out anyone around me for saying racist stuff about black people (Yes the dih response did come again btw, more than once). But i never knew the things i also believed were also racist. The way i saw black people was that i know theyre discriminated, i know their past about slavery and whatnot, i would defend them, but i wouldnt get close to them, bcs i believed the stereotypes, that theyre overly masculine, overly sexual, and those things were enough to repulse me.

I had to be exposed to many good representations in media to even consider that the stereotypes werent true. Ig the first one is a random manga i found. It was a yaoi (yeah ik). It was those kinds where they build up the relationship between the 2 guys, and they have sex only in the last chapter. But this one was different, bcs one of the male characters was black. He had a crush on a japanese boy he was staying at (Idk some uhh whats it called, exchange student or sum i believe?? Basically u visit a country and stay at some peoples house the time ur there, i did that too, hello Turkey) and the japanese boy started to like him too, and they were curious abt each others differences. Now...was the black boy taller, stronger, and had a bigger male genitalia than the japanese boy? Yes. But he was also, very very sweet and "normal", something i never seen in media about a black boy before. So that changed my perception, even a lil bit. Another instance like this was when i talked to a black boy on insta, idk by chance bcs he was tellin me the plot of oyasumi pun pun. He was also very nice to talk to, but at that point i knew black people can be nice.

Now, the real change, that was a total shock to me, was when i was watchin random urology videos (as one normally does) and i came across one that debunked that racist myth, that black men have it bigger. It actually turns out that NO, they dont have it bigger than white people, like, the african countries they made the study in found that the average size is the same as the white countries average size. Again, i was shocked, i really thought that any black guy would have it uh...yeah. No, it doesnt make sense actually. Men, from everywhere, can have any size, bcs thats how human anatomy WORKS. No etnicity would have all men have one specific size. So, i was very happy by this discovery (if u saw my other blog, yk i kinda hate big dihs). And it was another thing that made me stop believing those dumbass racist stereotypes. My sister tho, is very stupid and very racist, so she did notttt believe me when i said that black people dont all have big ass male genitalia. She said, sigh.......she said that when she was watching porn, she saw black guys have it big and asian guys have it small. Dude...ITS FUCKING PORN; ITS NOT REAL LIFE; OF COURSE THEYRE GONNA GET MEN WITH BIG SHLONGS. But she didnt believe me. So what did i do? I gathered photos of uhh, black people with small ones, and asians with big ones, and sent it to her, just to prove her wrong. She told my mom and they both called me weird for it. Like damn sorry guys that i see the penis as just another body part sometimes and can see naked people without getting freaky 🥀 And yk im damn fucking proud of doing that thing. 

Tho there was one more stereotype that i had to stop believing, and that was that all black men were masculine. Now, if u know me, yk i also dislike masculine men. I can tolerate them at best, and be discusted by them at worst. Thing is, i never saw a black twink, or anyone that was slightly feminine. I mean youd have some gay black men out there, but all of them that i saw were still masculine, if either in looks or behaviour. Sometimes i would see one on my feed tho, i even saw a black femboy once on insta and once on reddit. That being said, the rest of the femboys were all white, and there were very few that were sum other nationality, like india, africa, stuff like that. And one thing i saw other black people talk abt, was that the black community is sadly homophobic, so every man would avoid being feminine as much as possible. But by this point, i was alr smart enough to realize that a whole group of people isnt a monolith, and that there are feminine black men out there, even if i dont see them. 

Now this next thing, and its gonna be the last i talk abt, is kinda very embarresting, but whatever. So...i like masochists. Im very attracted to them, fictional characters or real people. So, im reading Gachiakuta bcs its been on my feed for a while and i decided to check it out, and if you dont know, there is a masochist male character in that story: Jabber. And, hes black. Now, with any masochist character, im attracted to this guy. But it felt...odd, to say the least. It felt odd, bcs while it makes sense, hes a masochist and i like anyone like that, somehow, in the back of my head something was telling me it felt wrong. So i asked myself why? Seriously, why? If it never felt bad to like a masochist till now. Ima tell u why, its bcs hes black. AND, even tho i really erased all those racist things from my head, every stereotype and lie people were saying, i still felt like somehow i shouldnt be attracted to a black guy (this doesnt apply to women btw, im completly fine with black women). And i felt sad. Im thinking "Bro why r u racist, u should be able to be attracted to black people, theres nothing wrong with that" but even tho my mind is telling me that, i dont feel the same way. Maybe its bcs as a kid i thought ill never be attracted to a black guy, bcs i believed those racist stereotypes. But i grew up, i met new people, i stopped having biases, i literally talked to femboys that were indian, latino etc from countries i thought ill never see feminine men from, i have friends from anywhere online, people my family would be so racist towards. Hell, i even thought 2 gypsy boys i met were kinda cute, and racism for gypsies is EVERYWHERE in this country. So why for this...? Why doesnt it stop now? It feels like, in my head, theres still that fear of "Oh u cant like a black guy, what if they DO turn out to be this dominant, overly masculine, overly sexualized persona that u fear and hate so much? What if they are sexist like the black people u see in popular rap music? What if, what if" And its not just abt fiction. Im in a vtuber discord server, and theres this black femboy trying to be a vtuber as well, and yk i kinda like him bcs hes VERY nice and behaves in a really cute way (and his vtuber character has long locks and i really love guys with long hair). So, it hurts. It feels like shit, that im feeling this weird thing for a group of people, even if i meet the sweetest person from that group, i still fear maybe the stereotypes will turn true one day. It literaly makes NO SENSE to feel this way. I like femboys, no matter where theyre from. I like masochists, no matter where theyre from. I did like, and did talk to brown femboys and was attracted to them just fine, i am talking to a masochist from iraq and im attracted to him just fine. So why? Why does any of this change if the person is black?? 

I feel conflicted, and i feel dissapointed in myself. My mind is saying one thing, but my feelings cant seem to change and its annoying. All this influence, from people around me, from media, affected me to the point i cant stop feeling fucking racist even if i know in my head that all those things are literal bullshit. I just hate it, man. I wish i could be normal and not be so affected by the bigotry around me. I wont stop tho, ill still try to be ok with this and not be racist at all. And its not like im talkin rn to a black guy and i like him and im sad i feel this racist shit that tries to stop me from liking him. Its just the fact that im just THINKING of liking a black guy and the thought alone is making me unconfortable. I hate it, and wanna change.

And it doesnt help at all that white women are sexualizing black men for this weird hypermasculine persona they have in their head...And it doesnt help that theres some black guys out there that sexualize white women while being racist to black women at the same time....

I just wanna like femboys and twinks in peace man...😭 Why do i gotta think abt made up concepts like "race"??

And guys, representation really is important. Not only for minorities to see themself be represented, but also for bigots to see they are people and hopefully stop being bigots. If having hot gay dudes on screen can make my homophobic, racist ass sister be even a lil less homophobic or racist, then im happy. And also, if i didnt see any black character that was just a normal person, or a person opposite of the stereotypes people spread, i think i would still have those racist biases to this day. Bcs not everyone is gonna encounter them irl, not everyone will be able to talk to black people and see the stereotypes are false, so media is the only thing some people have, to change their mind. 

(Also abt my sister, uh...i dont think anything is gonna change her mind bcs shes geniunely that stupid. Bro reads yaoi but is homophobic. We watched Castelvania together which has both gay AND black characters btw, and shes still racist. Has a black friend but makes racist jokes towards him. Told me dead serious that black women arent beautiful. Has a trans friend but still says "Yea thats still a girl, not a boy. She just thinks shes a boy". And so on and so forth. Some people arent gonna change unfortunately. I HATE my sister 🖕 And if u hate my sister too, ur right to do so.)