just yelling into the void

my stepdad suggested i should get my feelings out somewhere and i guess ill be doing it here. this is just me wallowing in my temporary misery. 

for anyone who might get concerned: im safe, i have not hurt myself at all, im in my bed, holding my plushies and i have some water to keep me hydrated

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i think i just need to accept the fact ill forever be alone.

i need to accept that my crush probably doesnt and will never like me the way i like her and us flirting was just what she does with everyone, and that it didnt matter to her as much as it mattered to me. which sucks. we talked about the dates we would go on, her taking me to this coffee shop and i take her to a museum, we even discussed a pizza date. but i know that. probably didnt mean much or anything to them. i read too much into it. i always read too much into things.

i know she assured me that she doesnt hate me and that she doesnt mind that i have a crush on her but her messages. god. i can tell somethings off. that she doesnt want to be near me. and i dont blame her. i know its probably just her being tired but i know theres something. she says she wants to hang out next week and wants us to hang out weekly but idk if she legit wants to or if she feels sorry for me.

i said in my last blog entry of how i felt about her and it. hurts. i hate being in love. i feel like a whole different person when i am. im far too outgoing, far too giving. im too overwhelming but i cant help it sometimes. i just want to show them truly what they mean to me and i guess i get hurt when i dont get the same energy back?? idk. like it sucks AAASSSSS >.>

i wish bpd would have me split on her so i wouldnt have to deal with this but thats just cruel. she hasnt done anything wrong and she doesnt deserve tht. i just feel like if i split, itll be easier to stop loving her, but everything she does makes me love her more. but i need to accept she wont look at me like that, that she will never love me like that

that no one will ever love me like that.

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i also went to a family gathering. it was small, just my aunt and my uncles and my great aunt and my dad. it was at my grandmas house. she passed away i think 3 years ago now. her house was purchased by my uncle so its still in the family. it was hard being there. its always been hard going there knowing shes not in the living room, that ill never see her watch her indian soap operas and reading religious scripture. ill never taste her cooking again. ill never see her again and thats so hard. 

the house is still the same. the same wallpaper, the same carpets, the same large fish tank ive seen since i was a kid. hell even her old books were there. various dictionaries in different languages like chinese were there. i dont know if she ever read any of them when she was still alive. i barely interacted with anyone. i just sat on the same spot on the couch she use to sit, just to feel a little closer to her again.

i still have some of her old things, like her coat and some of her clip on earrings so i still have pieces of her. but its hard. ive never been able to properly grieve about her because i felt like i had to be strong, i had to be strong for everyone else. i had to let people cry on my shoulder. but no one was there for my own grief.

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tldr: fuck my stupid baka life. im forever alone and i miss my grandma