Crying out to the indie web

it's been 6 months since I've last came onto Spacehey and I would say that I am a completely different person since then. It'd probably be expected but when I think about it, I can't help but feel weird. 

No one will probably ever see my profile on here, let alone read this entry. Its currently 12:39 AM on a Sunday and I'm in my college dorm room. SpongeBob is playing loudly as I wait for sleep to succumb me and my snot reddened throat as my acid reflux attacks my system yet again. I've been in a state of denial since I was diagnosed with GERD a few weeks ago. One that's half imprinted on me by my mother and the other half being my own being detested it. Call it a symptom of my OCD. My flare ups aren't as bad as they use to be, but with each declaration of that comes another spike around the corner. A vicious cycle I find myself in really. I should exercise. Workout. I'm so fucked up now because I'm too afraid to feel. I think too much. In my head there's a home bigger than the one that I live in now. Only do I recognize the one I see behind my eyelids more than the one I see when I open them. These days I wonder which one is the realest.

Its finals week. I'm not as stressed as I probably should be, but if there's anything I learned from high school, it's that life in all its fucked-up flaws can never be as worse as an average day for high school me. I find that I am mourning my old self often. The grief creeps up on me in a memory of me and an ex-lover. Feelings I wish a could get over, wish I could forget. I wonder if I ever will. I wonder how she feels now. My ex. If she's moved on, if she still thinks about me. I cover up the somberness I feel for her in an angry denial. In a sad attempt at being independent. Although I will say that I am slowly becoming moreso. With the recent visit of my mother, I realized that I am better off than I think. It'll be interesting coming home during the summer. My mom could see already how different I am. silly to think it's taken me this long. 

As i wrap up the vicious, cyclical thoughts protruding my head, I realize how beautiful it is to speak freely with the knowledge of never being perceived. The indie Web is beautiful, truly a magnificent wonder. No one, absolutely no one knows me. No one will ever address me, address this. The internet isn't forever but my words are. And if you are the lucky human reading this, I ask that you keep this entry alive within your memory. We as a society are too fast. I hope that my words bring comfort to the lonely soul whom eyes lay upon it. For I know that this will reach whoever it needs to. I always do. 

as always, be a good human