Paranoia

Was I always this afraid?

Scared to exist in a public place? Terrified to speak?

When I sit behind the work counter, training, and I'm faced with a fear again. Firm eye contact and a slight smile, and I only have to say "Hello! What are we celebrating today?" 

Why does this terrify me. Breathe, it's so hard to breathe. It gets hotter, and I pause, looking at my other coworker as I let out a slight laugh and take off my jacket.

"woah, it's hot right here! I don't know how she could focus with this heat..." I lie, using the broken AC to my advantage.

My boss smiles slightly, though I can tell she knows, "that's alright, you got this. The heat can't put you down this easy. We'll get that AC fixed tomorrow" 

And we all move on like I hadn't almost thrown up on the counter.

I go to the mall alone. Tremors along my hand, I just need this one book.

Though I walk with my head high, I avoid any eye contact with anyone. Turning my head when I see someone notice me out of their peripheral.

I start sweating slightly when I feel too many eyes on me, wondering if they know how shitty I parked in the parking lot, or that embarrassing thing I said forty minutes ago.

Hysterical they might know that my voice cracks after nearly every sentence. 

But was I always this afraid to be perceived?

Fuck, was I always do afraid? 

I know they don't know, but what if they do know? 

I can feel myself pale as I think about it. The thought circulating through my mind as I stand there, eyes teary as I stare at the shelf.

I take a deep breath, realize the store doesn't have the book I was looking for and walk out.

I drive home, 'new driver' magnets slapped onto the back of my car because I'm teaching my younger siblings to drive and I wonder if they think my driving makes sense now that there's evidence of my lack of skill too.

I overthink that too.

Do I drive well?

Are my turns too sharp?

Fuck, I missed my exit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck- oh there it is.

I turn right, then turn left, then right again, then left again. Parallel park.

Oh. Hm. I'm home...