Why couldn't I be born a boy?

I wanted to preface this by saying I currently have absolutely no friends and no job. I am 22 years old, and I have been struggling with my identity and who I am my entire life. 

I am currently in a predicament- maybe not predicament but a crossroads with my identity. Not who I present as. I don't want to change. I just wish I had been born a boy. I seethe with envy for everything they have. No personal hatred, just envy. 

I used to be extremely underweight and struggle with how people saw me, the perception of who I am. My entire life- I just want to feel like a girl. A beautiful, feminine, petite, girl. Just a girl. Something lovely. Not just 'cute'. Maybe I want to feel validated. I don't know. I felt comfortable not having curves, I don't like having them. I've been eating healthier, gaining weight unintentionally but something is screaming inside of me, and I hate it. I hate seeing myself become more full featured. I am healthy, maybe weighing a bit less than the average weight, but more than I've seen myself in years. 

I currently am facing a strange struggle- I never thought I would ever face. Maybe I am entirely insecure. Maybe it's not something I should write about publicly, but it's an internal struggle. I don't want to be a girl. I hate everything that comes with it, and the older I get the worse it becomes. Maybe it's envy. I think it is. But there are many trans women that look more womanly than me. More feminine. Beautiful. 

I want to be that. I am not that. I hate all my hormones, I hate all the weight I gain, I hate my period and my pimples. I hate that I have to constantly shave. I hate feeling lesser than. I hate that no matter how much makeup I put on I feel like an alien in a costume. A fucking freak. I hate it. Why can't I just be pretty? Why can't I just look the way I want to look- or look the way a woman is supposed to look. I am average. I am normal. But I feel like my skin doesn't fit me. 

I hate to be that person, but recently I was in a situation where I felt misjudged. I felt like my perception of myself was entirely different than how people view me. I was told by someone that I seemed to be more dominant of a figure, because I argue because I am intelligent, because I speak my mind freely- that I am dominant. I could never be submissive and feminine. I am not like a woman. Sometimes I think I was supposed to be born a man. I inherently speak my mind without any thought. If someone asks me what I THINK, why would I sit down and not speak my mind? Is this internalized misogyny? Is that person wrong? Why do they see me that way? 

I was honest and told them that I've never wanted that. To be controlling and dominating. Half of the time I do these things is in self-preservation. 

I struggled making friends with girls growing up. I have a brother, and am autistic as well. I never had my own friends- I hung out with his. In middle school, I had one girl friend.. my only one. We were like two peas in a pod. Together until the end. Then in high school, same thing. I dropped out of high school and got my GED. Spend all of my time online and gaming. Which is where I only met mostly men. Maybe I became masculine along the way because I was only making friends with men unintentionally, but regardless, I felt like an outcast. It felt like there was ulterior motives if they weren't authentic friendships. And it felt like out of the group, I was different. Only a punching bag for jokes. I will never understand what men feel when they have friendships with each other, because I am a woman. 

They would speak amongst each other about things I "couldn't understand". Or because I am a woman, I am "too much work". The amount of times I've heard- "I wish you could just be a guy". 

Ha.

Me too.

I feel awful for this. I wish everyday- wished everyday I was a guy. To fit in. To be treated the same as anyone else. I wish I looked like a boy, long, tall and skinny. I wish I could make jokes and people would laugh. I wish people didn't see me and immediately feel a certain way about me. I wish I didn't have to constantly worry about what I looked like. I fucking hate the body I am in. I fucking hate that no matter what I do I will never be what I want to be. 

I fucking hate that I will never be seen the way I wish I was seen. 

Why aren't I that? If that makes sense, I just wish I had been born differently. I wish so fucking badly. 

Is this a common sentiment? Is this normal? Is this okay? 

Or am I just fucked.