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DISCLAIMER:
IM NOT TRYING TO OFFEND OR UPSET ANY CHRISTIANS AND I UNDERSTAND THAT NOT ALL CHRISTIANS ARE LIKE THIS BUT THIS WAS JUST MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. IM ALSO NOT SAYING ITS A BAD THING TO BE A CHRISTIAN, I HAVE ALOT OF CHRISTIAN FRIENDS AND THEY'RE ALL GREAT PEOPLE.
My grandparents have always been very religious, and ever since i was little ive spent alot of time with them so they taught me to pray and if i was good that god would be proud of me. I also went to a pretty religious school where they taught me about the Bible and Jesus and all that shit. I went to church with my grandparents every few weeks and i did my best to be good every day. But even if i didn't want to admit it i felt weird about all of this, like when i was first taught about hell and how you would go there if you sinned, i was terrified. I thought that god loves us all, obviously that's not the case. And then there was church... Every time i went there i felt watched, i felt a presence, but it didn't feel like a good one, it felt evil and intimidating, it scared me so much. And what also scared me was the fact that o could see all of these adults crying and begging for forgiveness, even if there was no real proof of God's existence, they just obeyed blindly and that somehow always terrified me. And apart from that i had always had issues with controlling my emotions so sometimes i would get angry and say or do mean things and that made me feel terrible, i thought i was going to hell and be punished. I was so so scared my whole life. I never came out to my grandparents as atheist, because i know they'd hate me.
In more recent events ive been sent death threats and people telling me im going to hell, that i should find god and that he can forgive me. Yeah right, even if i did go back to being Christian there is no way god would forgive me.
Now i definitely feel the effects of the trauma all of this gave me. Every time im forced to go to a religious event im filled with the sense of dread, fear, anger and emotions i can't even describe. I sometimes even have panic attacks after. Its such a terrible feeling. Ive had other bad experiences with religion but i don't feel very comfortable sharing them.
Its crazy how even if you don't believe in something anymore you still have that same fear and feeling of shame you had when you where young. I hate how Christianity is a religion built on fear manipulation, and its disgusting that people use religion as an excuse to do absolutely terrible things (ESPECIALLY in politics).
If you are a Christian PLEASE stop trying to force your religion onto other people who clearly show no interest.
Just anyone trying to force religion onto anyone is bad.
Everyone is allowed to believe in whatever they want as long as it doesn't harm anyone. <3
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Dee Dee Ramone #1 Fan
As someone who is a Christian this is so valid and so real. Religious trauma is a real thing, and it's not okay to force your religion onto other people. Those people are a horrible example of what Christianity is and what it should be, and they are not an example of what they "believe in". I am so sorry you went through those things, and I am sorry you feel shame, I am sorry you ever felt forced to believe in something you don't subscribe to.
I would never force my views onto anyone, who cares about your perception of the afterlife? That's your belief, that's your option and choice to believe in something or not.
You should not be shamed into believing, you should not be spoken down on and told to follow blindly. I know people personally who live in crippling fear and shame because of this idea of God. That God should be feared- to tremble in his name.
It's okay to feel what you feel. I come from an extremely similar background- but the older I've gotten I realize that, if God is real, he is loving, encompassing and forgiving and that's how I choose to believe. Spirituality is a personal journey, disregard anything anyone says to you and follow your heart.
True Christianity does not work that way. Loving each other is the true form of that religion and it's disheartening that all sects of Christianity get lumped into one thing.
I hope that people leave you alone and you can continue onwards in your spiritual journey; however that is, whether you believe or not, it's your choice! You decide and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I only hope to be a good example and lead in a healthy way so people can understand we are not ALL that.