I cant stop

I have a problem. 

So.. I have an eating disorder. Back and forth bulimia and anorexia. I have multiple other addictions to cope with it such as Drug abuse, SH, etc.. But even those bad habits cannot distract me from bulimia and Anorexia. Im insecure, yes. But its not the main reason for my eating disorder. I like the control, the restriction. It makes me feel in control of my own body, it almost makes me not feel.. His Hands on my body, the cold skin, the dizziness, the everything makes me almost forget his disgusting touch, sometimes I wanna crawl out of my skin and be free from that unsettling touch I never consented to. I wake up crying and sometimes even wake up and going to throw up because of the night mares I have of him on a daily bases. All my problems center around my SA and I don't know how to stop it. I wish a was a normal teenage girl, shopping with her friends, socializing, doing her nails, doing her hair, doing her makeup, etc... 

Yet that is me.

 Thats me, plus mental problems.