A Vermin

I always came first in middle school. Part of it was just habit, the other part was to clean my desk. Every day, when I got to school, my desk was always covered in writing, telling me to die, telling me I was ugly, and things like that. Honestly, you guys don’t need to do that. I already know I’m not worth much because of how I look. The cloth and water bucket are my best friends in the morning when no one’s here yet. They help me clean my desk. It’s lonely—I have no one in this class willing to be my friend.

It’s not uncommon to find out they threw my bag into the trash can during recess. The only time I’m not at my desk. Or sometimes, they’re just being merciful and sprawl out what’s inside my bag, then leave the bag lying on the floor.

What’s the worst they can do to me? A lot. They made me hate my own voice by mimicking it as if that’s the most annoying sound they’ve ever heard. They gang up and grab me into the toilet, only to dump my head onto the toilet. They called it an experiment to see how long I could hold my breath there, then they pulled me up and banged my head onto the side of the toilet until it was ringing, and honestly, I couldn’t feel anything other than pain. But, it’s not over, the toilet became the place where they can do whatever to me, strip me down, take inappropriate photos of me with a messed up face, then kick me down in a place where nobody will see it. It’s a perfect bullying. You get the satisfaction of torturing me, but not letting everybody know that I’m being tortured.

Every day feels like hell, tastes like hell, is hell itself. They shared the inappropriate photos of me with the whole school, and I can feel the whole school looking at me as if I’m a slut, a whore, or a skank. My phone keeps ringing from an unknown number; they keep leaking my number, so now the message is filled with boys asking me to hook up. I feel like I have no worth.

Why am I being bullied like this? What did I ever do wrong? IS LIKING THE SAME GUY REALLY SUCH A SIN? I KNOW MY PLACE, THERESA. I know my place; you don't need to bully me because I might be your rival. Do you see how Sean looks at me when he found out I liked him? He made me feel like I’m the most disgusting person alive. Did you see how he avoids me like I’m vermin? YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL INSECURE BECAUSE OF ME, THERESA. YOU’VE SEEN HOW SEAN LOOKS AT ME. You two make me know my worth. Yeah, I’m just vermin, a pest, something that doesn’t deserve to live.

If you guys want to see me die that much. Fine, I’ll die. So, my existence will never bother you guys anymore. So, you guys won’t ever see such a nuisance in the eyes every day. That day, on the way back home, I bought a rope. I asked the salesperson which rope was strong enough to hold a heavy weight, and they gave me the one that was. Then, I stopped by a pharmacy to buy a lot of sleeping pills. Just to make sure I won’t survive. Then I went home and immediately wrote a goodbye note to my parents, leaving the password to my phone. After I drop off my bag, I immediately grab the stool nearby and hang the rope, making sure it’s tied up correctly. Then, I go down and gulp down as many sleeping pills as I can. Just when I want to step up onto the stool, my phone rings.

One of my former classmates called me. It’s funny because she called to show off her new makeup to me. Then, she became panicked when my smile turned into sobs, and I told her that I was planning to have a suicide. Her panicked face makes me relieved, actually. It feels like there’s someone out there who still cares about me. Then, I feel intense pain, nausea, and my white bubble coming off my mouth. I remembered someone screaming in panic before I fainted. And I hear her calling my name to make sure I’m still there before my consciousness vanishes.