#3: I am depressed (vent?)

7 Mar 2026

Hi,

As a heads up I just want to say that I'm not writing this to, idk, make someone read it and be like "oh no poor you" or sth, its just a sort of vent since I explained in one of my previous posts that I just want this to be a safe space for me whenever something comes to mind.

That said, I am depressed

I have been for rather a big part of my "golden years", as many people describe their teenage era

I have been, like TRULY depressed ever since 2017-2018 I think, but it just wasn't as apparent as it is now

It all honestly began very early, as I always was the "quiet" or the "weird" kid. It was not that bad in the kindergarten I used to go to, but elementary school was a horrible time in my life. I was either made fun of or just ignored altogether. No one really wanted to be friends with me, so from some point I never even bothered trying. It led to me not really having any social life until around 2018, when I met some people.

Long story short, it turned out they were a bigger bunch of dicks than the people in my elementary school were. It wasn't even making fun of me, it was just pure bullying. That kind of bullying where you wake up and stay all day horribly anxious and stressed and when you are scared to leave the house or even pick up your phone, out of the fear that they might be creeping somewhere. That I think really started the downward spiral.

The covid era didn't particularly do anything special. it was just fine ig. Not having to leave home was actually quite okay, since I didn't have to bother with any of the bullshit people I would have otherwise had to look at. I even actually made some online friends at that time, something that lasted longer than I thought it would and we still hang out today. Turns out life can be fine

My mental health started steadily declining from all of the bullying and suffering I had to endure as a kid. I basically could rot in bed all day doing nothing. Not even that I was scrolling or something, I was just looking at the walls or at the ceiling. It really started going very downhill, and I feel like I never felt that bad. Even now, when I'm on meds and everything seems to be not going as bad, it all still haunts me and can get me anytime anywhere.

I can feel and seem like I'm the happiest person in the world, cause I am just scared of being me. Because that mostly led to me being made fun of or bullied. As such, I am used to lying or pretending just so that everyone would leave me alone. This led to me not being able to express my emotions or even wanting to do so. I am utterly scared that now writing this I just sound like an attention seeking whore wanting to gain some new followers by being some edgy depressed teenager.

I sometimes really wish I just was normal. I was just a normal happy person living their best life but I just can't. I'm on medication, I'm in therapy, all for nothing. It's not that it's not better, it's just that it will never be the same as before I was unhappy. This will always stay in me and the blissful life is gone forever. And I think that's what bothers me the most. The fact that this will always be a part of me no matter what I do. I just wish I was happy.

Sorry for the vent, it's probably very chaotic and I'll probably delete it later anyway, but for now I just want to get those words out somewhere

Thanks in advance to anyone who even for a second read any of this bs. 

Hope you'll be fine. See you later