Introduction ( ்ᵕ் )

Hi!

As I’m trying to push my boundaries with expressing myself, I will try to blog a bit on here.  ♡

(It might be a bit chaotically written so Im sorry for that!) I struggle immensely with low self esteem, being burnt out and immersed in self hatred a bit too much lately, feeling like I poison everyone and everything I interact with, basically feeling guilty for existing. 

As I have been confirmed to be autistic a lil while ago, it all makes much more sense. I am glad to know why I am the way I am, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I try my hardest to allow myself to be my genuine self, but the more I do that, the more I feel ashamed. Unmasking and unwinding my years of repressing and shutting up about my needs feels almost impossible to do. Being dismissed so quickly and easily, by so many people and specialists just scarred me deeply.

I have built my guard up so high, thinking it’s better that way, but hiding and making myself smaller for other’s pleasure is nothing but a way towards my own downfall and is for sure a reason why I have been so self destructive lately, I try to change myself for other’s pleasure so much, I would crawl out of my skin just for a little approval. That is just no way to live. 

This turned into quite a vent lmao, but yeah that’s the point, take more space and express, express, expresssss!

Hoping all of u have a lovely day, it’s so sunny here tday  ( * ॑˘ ॑* ) spring is so healing, one of my fav seasons, brings me so much hope!