Emotionally Delusional.

Delusions are a very well-known phenomenon: it’s when one is detached from reality. They insist upon something no matter how blatantly reality contradicts it. They believe it both logically and emotionally. But there is a subtler, more ubiquitous kind of delusion that is rarely articulated: being only emotionally delusional. And I would argue it’s one of the most insidious forms of delusion because, in the end, it makes you delusional in practice but without the negation of shame.

It creates a song and dance. But the dance is between a cat and mouse, with the ground made up of tiles that, if hit in the correct order, open doors. Some bad, some neutral, and rarely any good. One side is tall, mean, and harboring a sadistic glee that brings a shine to its sharp fangs: the cat. It controls the dance, whether you like it or not. The other side is small, meek, and cowering in fear, ready to run at the first growl it hears: the mouse. And let me tell you: the cat doesn’t know how to stop growling.

The emotional side doesn’t listen to the rational one in most cases, but with a difference in degree. And that is what differentiates between delusion and a lack of discipline. Your emotional side may say, “I want!” and your rational side may say, “It won’t benefit you in the long term!" And the emotional side will believe it; just disregard that because it wants it more than it cares for the impact. But if the rational says, “This is a pit full of spikes!” Then the emotional side believes and listens, because it blatantly knows the impact is not worth it and, worse, is immediate. It's reckless, not delusional. This is normal emotional recklessness. 

On the contrary, a delusional emotional side doesn’t listen no matter what. It growls, “I want!” The rational side squeaks, “It’s a pit full of spikes!” And yet the emotional side jumps in anyway, not because it wants to die, but because it is unable to believe it is actually a pit full of spikes. It sincerely believes that the pit is safe, good even. It insists not just upon its desire but upon the reality needed to make that desire coherent. 

And now the cat pounces at the mouse and forces it to dance in evasion—to dance in the exact way that hits all the tiles needed to open the door it desires. But the mouse knows otherwise, and that causes great internal shame. “I know, I know, I know! And yet, I cannot make them believe. Why? Why?!” The mouse cries. And yet the mouse dances, hitting tile one, tile two, and tile three, all in an attempt to escape. A click echoes in the room before a door creaks open, the pit inside, and the cat leaps in.

People can function fine being emotionally reckless: they won’t jump in like the cat, and their cat won’t make their mouse dance them into self-annihilation. This is where most people’s emotional sanity sits. But the second the cat sincerely insists otherwise, the second the cat cannot understand or believe, sanity ends and the emotional delusions begin. Because you aren’t delusional in the clinical sense. No. That would be sympathetic, even understandable. You know, you know, you know: you just can’t believe. And so your cat jumps in, getting spiked, yelping, and ending up clawing out, barely standing up, stumbling, with a gaping hole where its heart should be. And the only thing remaining after is the mouse squeaking. “I knew, I knew, I knew! And yet, I couldn’t make them believe! Why? Why?!”