A realistic kid

TW!:This is gonna be quite a personal and introspective entry. 

So lately I've been thinking about what I expected my life to be as a child, i think i've always been a quite realistic one: a child shaken by horredous traumatic events, a kid with no hopes of being an astronaut either a fashion model. I was just a kid with aspirations of being a functional and independent adult.

Sitting right now in my bedroom I wonder: is it even fair for a kid to have dreams of freedom? shouldn't kids dream huge about other stuff? I dreamt with having the chance of having a life.

I aspired to independency, my autonomy was my biggest hope, my name would be freedom and my chains would be none: the dream of liberation. However, i see myself reaching my 20's and only feeling more and more trapped in my environment.

Emotional prission

I haven't become and independent woman, but a profoundly dependent one of those who I love. Maybe I'm paving my way for my economical future, but, simultaneously I see myslef trapped in my own emotions with those who i love. 

I never consdiered my own feelings as my worst prision. I'd never even considered feelings at all. From a very young age I couldn't reach the understandement of why some people would cry or laugh, I didn't even understood what was so addictive about love. I hadn't experienced a single feeling.

Suddendly, I reached out my 20's and I have an internal explosion of emotions: sadness, love, happiness... everything seems so brand new to me, utterly different and depraved of consideration for my own self, a scared young woman. Where did all this come from? The only aspect of my own self that no one had foreseen as a child: the ability of feeling; consequently, it constitutes now my own emotional prission.

Unbreakable chains

I think my worst fear is not having them, but not being able to break with them: not being being able to let go, to let time go by, to trust the power of it, and trusting my capacity of healing too. I see myself trapped in the worse way, trapped on my own consciousness, trapped on a prission that no one could free me from --silly specification, because I think no one would try to free me from that-- a prission that only me myself can save me from.

So i wonder: will i be able to let go my mom? will i ever be able to stop wanting being loved? will i be able not to wait anymore for his messages? will i let him go? 

I want to be able to stand up and stop being chained over myself, over my own fantasies and expectatives over others. I want my emotions to stop being my worst enemy and, maybe someday, help me healing that little scared inner child.

From this little scared woman to that little scared child,

Lina