/ a symptom of suicide

                                                                                                                                        

i realized i have given up on myself last march of 2020.. or what feels like i had given up.

i had went through a breakup with a boy who ive created to be " the one " although hard for me to believe, there is no such thing as " the one " but we have many lovers in this universe.. people who we instantly click with or people who we have a hard time understanding. we are all capable of being " the one " to somebody. 

but what do i know? im rambling. turns out this person who i had put on pedestal, disappointed me. i have never felt so embarrassed, so humiliated. i felt unlovable, stupid for walking right into his dumb little game. how could i be so blinded over a man?

easy, its because i had trusted him with my comfort, my love and my peace. i was willing to let myself be vulnerable.. committed even. something so precious to me, my trust was chewed up and spit out.

[march 2020] since i was a child.

 i have never really trusted anyone, people could write that off as being introverted but im sure there's more to that shy girl i once knew.

i carry this way of thinking throughout my entire life. my trust is something to be earned, its special. this of course has never benefited me in the long run. this made me raise my expectations for people. 

when i trust people for example like my ex, i expect them to treat me well because i am establishing how special they are to me by even letting them into my life. 

he ruined that for me, he was worse than i was expecting. he body-shamed me, slut-shamed me and shared my nudes with his friends.

how could someone disregard me like that? how is it so easy for someone to just disrespect me like that? how do i even go about the situation...?

how could you treat me like a nobody.

[august 2020] i had developed an ED. *tw

i lost 40 pounds since then, i am still humiliated, hes winning when i starve.. how embarrassing for me. i pity myself. i am very disconnected from my body so i have the power to pity myself and still continue to hurt myself. during this time in my life, im not thinking.. like at all. im taking melatonin every night to feel my depressed sleeping habits again because when im unconscious i am not hurting. i could sleep for hours. my longest nap was 16 hours. my therapist told me this was just a symptom for suicide, i never saw it that way but he was right. i didnt feel alive at all. i was rotting away in my bed.

[december 2020] thinning hair.

by this time my hair is thinning and i freak out, i have been obsessing over my appearance and finding a partner for the longest as a way to distract myself. i thought maybe i was improving in some ways but oh how wrong i was. then i met him. his name was n**r, something about our conversations was magical, i had truly felt comfort with this person, comfort was something i thought i was incapable of finding in someone again but with him, i felt safe. we clicked instantly, we were both healing from terrible relationships and we both felt as though we were meant to find each other. i somewhat believe this now. i dont think he was made for me but i think he was very significant in my journey.

[january 2021] im not her.

n**r and i argue a lot, a third party was getting in the way of our what i like to call situationship. he was still thinking about her, it was her all along, his ex. i couldn't compete with the girl. i hate to admit it but i felt as though she was way too pretty, she was a face you couldn't forget. i gave him a chance to redeem himself because he said he was still in love with the girl. i could understand why he loved her but i couldn't understand why he didn't love ME like he loved HER. then again, what made me think i could be his healing? i cant even heal myself. we stopped talking, he said " thank you for your experience " and just like that, i felt like a nobody. i felt used. i just wanted to feel like i was worth fighting for.

[march 2021] being alive.

i had done it again. the night i stopped talking to n**r i had overslept, being asleep is to feel nothing.. right? a said symptom of suicide. two days after i moved onto the next man, not the greatest idea. i had ignored my feelings and put them off for a month. i realized that i had been using relationships to distract me from the real issues at hand, my mental health. yesterday, i decided that my emotions were safe to leave my mind. all along i wanted to feel connected to reality, i wanted to be able to vividly recall memories and remember faces. i have been disconnected for so long and made love a priority because i thought it was my reason to live. but as long as i stay behind this computer screen in front of me i wont be able to feel anything. i can only recall feeling alive with nature, there is so much life around me and even though im not completely experiencing it, i was observing it. the animals, the weather, the people around me made me feel alive and in these moments.. i feel bliss. 

the life around me was what made me feel real, now i crave meeting new people, going on crazy adventures, i need to experience.