04/03/2026

     I yearn for someone that exists only between 12 p.m. and 1 a.m., in that little space between my head and a pillow, when my laptop is still warm, and the night is the darkest shade it will ever be. The color of their hair, eyes, posture, gender, facial features, the way they speak and the way they cover the road change every night. I try my best to not name them in fear of getting attached to randomly picked name that in the end of the day doesn't mean anything. They're not real, I made them up.

     Nevertheless, I look for them in every person I encounter. And I'm not exaggerating. Every time I see someone walking down the road towards me, I think to myself: is this them? Is it finally happening? Have stars finally listened to me? And when they pass me by, without a single world, I beat myself up for ruining stars' elaborate plan. You can't predict what the world has in store for you. I feel like I'm wasting every attempt to send me a soulmate just by guessing it every time. Maybe if fate took me by surprise, maybe it would work out.

     You might think to yourself it's the dumbest thing you've ever read, and you would be right. It probably is. I see how naive I am, how childish it is to believe in soulmates, wish-fulfilling constellations and the fact that someone just like me would just appear on my way on a random summer, fall, winter, spring afternoon. Even if there were someone, why would they live in the same town? Why would they be my age right now? Why would our paths cross? That's too many coincidences. The existence of something like soulmates is unbelievable enough.

     I need to have someone to love. I need someone to watch the last episode of The Owl House with. Someone that will ride with me on bikes until the air is filled with crickets and the smell of past heat. Someone whose texts I will read immediately, in the moment of seeing it, without avoiding it because of some strange anxiety associated with opening my inbox. Someone with whom I won't feel embarrassed to undress or change, show myself in my most vulnerable state. Someone with whom I won't worry about my appearance, because it won't be important. Someone with whom evenings sound like Pigeon Pit's songs. Someone that will feel like the place where I belong from the beginning of my existence. I just want to feel comfortable with atleast one person on this whole damned planet. I want to first be friends with them, and then slowly upgrade to lovers, without having to define what we are, but everyone looking at us will know. But even then, we will be, above all, best friends. I want to be able to kiss them, not only wish to do so, but also to be able to yap about our favorite show or what we are currently working on or why our fathers were never proud of us. Someone that will understand me and someone I will understand. I want it to be us vs the rest of the world. I want to feel secure enough to let their cold fingers on my ribs without worrying that it will turn into something I'm not comfortable with, or that they will suddenly get grossed out by my body. I want to have seen them in every possible stage, and for them to see me at my worst and best, too. Queerplatonic is maybe a term I'm looking for, but I'm not sure. I want to know how it's like when someone is looking at you with starry eyes when they think you're not noticing it. How is it like to be someone's emergency number, someone's first choice, someone's dream girl. Maybe I am asking for too much, I think I do.

     It's so pathetic. This should stay in my head. But I write down all of my thoughts in those entries because I stupidly think that I will find someone that's looking for me too, here, on this dumb website. I don't know why they would be there. But that's a higher chance to find them somewhere between recent blog entries than in the drawers of my room.

     Tl;dr: I want to love someone unconditionally and for them to love me unconditionally too, because I don't feel like I belong even with my closest friends. I need someone that will make me feel like I belong, like my spirals of thoughts make sense and are valid. This entry is really messy, I might edit it later or just delete it. But I wanted to get this off my chest, because it was a while since I wrote about soulmates last time.