i wish things could be different

But this is who i am, i can't change my body or my mind, and trust me, i been trying for the last five years. I do my nails, my hair, my make up, but it still feels like a costume. Its not even drag, im a fucking clown dancing in front of everyone. I cant leave my house like this, i feel so alien on my skin, i wish i could just take it off and walk like a bleeding bag of meat around, that would be better.

But here i am again, cutting myself, i cant even do the groceries, i spent two hours doing my make up extra-nice, yesterday all the afternoon doing my nails, and i cant bring myself to even look at my corpse in the mirror, thats not me. 

And nobody would listen to me, i really tried to, this thing keeps eating me alive and i cant do nothing but cry and brush it off. I wish i was born male. But im not, and i cant do anything, i cant make my parents forgive me for feeling this way, i cant force my boyfriend to love me in that way, and i cant bring myself to end it all cuz im a fucking pussy

Or maybe i just need a few drinks to do it, i might try later, again. See where it goes. But i already know, nowhere, as myself.

And i guess thats it again, im gonna keep sobbing and cutting myself as i watch fear the walking dead.

I havent been eating well these days, sleeping till 2pm and cutting. It never gets better

If for some reason you read this, i hope youre having a nice day/night/afternoon, remember to brush your teeth, stay hydrated and stay super woke! The world needs more nice people