Languishing

So I learned that there is a word for the way I've been feeling for the past few years; it's called "languishing," from the Latin “languere,” which means to feel faint or unwell.

In the middle of covid lockdowns, I bought my first DJ controller, a small DDJ-400 (uWu), since I thought to myself "I am going to need something to do during lockdown to pass the time." That was 2020. It sat in my place until 2022 (stupid brain's lack of object permanence) when I noticed it again and decided to try it out.

Since I play guitar, keys, drums, and some other instruments, learning to DJ was fun and relatively painless. What I didn't know at the time is that this new pasttime would quickly become an addiction.

With a handful of exceptions, I have been DJing every day since mid 2022. Since I was now watching DJs stream on Twitch, Mixcloud, and Kick, I started to think about streaming my sets. I built my first PC somewhere around the end of 2022.

I started recording my sets and uploading them to SoundCloud and promoting them to my amazing community on Bluesky.

As long as I can remember, I've been a staunch perfectionist in everything that I do. So I didn't want to stream on my newly built PC until I had everything "perfect."

Existing alongside the current genocide in Gaza has been one of the most backwards, fucked up, frustrating, infuriating experiences of my life.

But in addition to the "languish" I've been feeling, there is also this pervasive feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. All you can do is watch. You can't do anything to help aside from donating and sharing crowdfunding links for Palestinians.

One day while doomscrolling on Bluesky, I saw a post that was an image of a man holding a sign that said "If you ever wondered what you would do during a genocide, you're doing it right now."

I keep thinking about this. No matter what I'm doing these days, it just feels unimportant, compared to what's happening in Gaza. My stupid useless life is no more important than any of their lives.

Seeing Greta Thunberg and the Flotilla crew selflessly put themselves in harms way repeatedly was inspiring.

I still felt helpless and powerless and useless. But I decided to challenge these feelings by trying to help. And I decided that I would do so in an immediate, makeshift, and purposely imperfect way.

I forget where I read it, but I read some quote a long time ago that was something like "Do what you can, from where you are, with what you have."

This is the polar opposite of how I normally operate, i.e. "Don't share anything creative until it's polished and perfect."

I decided that since I'm already DJing every night that I might as well livestream it and give all the donos/proceeds to Gaza Kitchens Against Famine.

My streams are barebones and quite lame lol ... I started without much research into streaming and without even having the bare necessities for it (I don't have a table long enough for the controller and keyboard, so I use a Black & Decker workbench. This isn't tall enough lol so I use the box for the controller to raise it up to waist level.

I recently got my first donation. Whoever you are, thank you so much for donating to Gaza Kitchens Against Famine. But also, thank you for indirectly validating what I am doing to help in my own small way.

I'm not good at too many things, but I'm good at DJing. And if this is the only way I can help, then I should be grateful that I am able to help at all.

I was lost. I still feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, etc. But I don't really feel lost anymore.

Greta didn't stay in her feels, she took action. You and I might not be able to do what she did for all sorts of reasons, but she did what she could, from where she was, with what she had.

We can all try to do that at least.

#Free Palestine