Mom..

It's... really complicated living with a mother who has a diagnosis. For as long as I can remember, before I knew that certain attitudes weren't normal, her behavior towards me could be as affectionate as it was scary. Growing up with someone who has unexpected mood swings certainly causes problems in the long run, haha... Anyway, she has trouble controlling her emotions, she's a perfectionist, and she doesn't care about being that way. Sometimes she says hurtful things, and I can only laugh to pretend that I don't care when in reality it hurt me, but I can't say that because she'll just say the same thing she always says... “You're too sensitive.” I can't even get completely angry with her because it's not 100% her fault. I know that others probably have it worse than me... but for me it's difficult to handle, maybe I'm weak... Sometimes I want to leave... if I had the chance to leave... but then I remember the times she apologized to me, I remember the times she cried, her hugs, her affection... and maybe I'm a masochist for staying, but I feel like if I leave, it would cause her great pain, and I don't want that either. I'm her daughter... her only daughter... so I'm tied to her anyway... aren't I?

Even though I'm in my shared bubble, I can't be completely free... despite having my own little space, I can't even decorate it the way I want because... “I'll stain the walls.” I want to escape, but at the same time I feel indebted to her... I feel like I owe her my life... but I doubt things will change. After all, we only have each other, united not only by the bond of mother and daughter. If I leave her, I would be completely alone.