Living is hard

This feels so stupid but i truly feel like i have no where else to go and i dont expect for anyone to read this, but i would be extremely grateful if anyone does and yk told me their thoughts...would be nice...

For starters my family situation has always been complicated and now that im getting older theyre bringing me into all of this too, demanding i visit them more on my own and stuff, but i have tests, academic stress is hitting me harder than ever aswell and im having a hard time getting out of bed as is and now its like i have this family glue responsibility on my shoulder, and when i try to be reasonable and explain why i cant just go out of my way everyday and talk to everyone everyday they take it as im making excuses and dont care enough which is genuinely not true, but they cant or maybe they choose not to see it. I always end up the bad guy in situations like this and no one seems to get how hard im trying to make everyone atleast a little bit happy, it never works and i also seem like the only person in my whole family tree who is just getting eaten my guilt all the time. 

What makes it worse is that recently one of my friends, who knows everything about my family, who i always ran to when things got hard, actually i ran to him even when stuff was really good too, point is it was always him, hes the first one i would tell about my familys bullshit to, and well now hes talking alot more to someone else, which isnt bad but it makes me having a convo with him impossible and i truly feel like i have no one, everyone, including those who ive once trusted with my whole life, has their someone, the one they rely on mutually and i thought i had one too, until someone else came in and just...proved to be alot better than me, im not the perfect friend and i fucked up alot in my friendships, but after all of that i almost started believing that they would stay, obvioulsy i was wrong, and i talked to him about it and the reason he got so much closer to someone else so fast is because theyre more affectionate than me and tell him they love him more. Right but i was the one spending so much time and energy on us, on our friendship, to make sure you feel understood and comforted atleast a little. Now the thing ive been running to is my blade, i dont think ive been a day clean in these 2 weeks and it feels like its only getting worse, so much worse...I have other people im close to but i would never be their number one like it was with him and yeah it hurts alot.