crush her birthday

Okay, so.

My crush had her birthday party saturday.

I was invited last moment (the day before) but I still managed to get a gift that day, so I was glad about that. I'm still not sure if she liked it or not, but I hope so. I was put into a whatsapp group with everyone that was coming and it was like 30 people. Last moment like 10 people cancelled though. INCLUDING my friend mark. And he was pretty much the other person I knew there. There was a girl that I knew too, but I only saw her a few times at another function. And the birthday girl herself of course. And then I found out her family was coming too. So over all I was pretty scared to go with my social anxiety. But... I went. I had to. It was mostly because I wanted to impress her and you don't do that by missing out on someone's birthday. So I overcame my fears and went. And then like it couldn't get any worse I was lost when I was almost there. But then I saw the girl I barely knew and followed her, just to find out she was lost too. Then we texted the groupchat and they came to get us and we were litterally infront of the building. The moment she walked out to get us it reminded me I'm head over heels for her. (For if you're Dutch, there were drillers bothering us, so I was kinda scared.) But luckily we were already at the location without knowing us and we could get inside immediatly. I started talking to the people I knew a bit and at first everything was so awkward. Eventually I started to get in the flow though and my ADHD was helping with being more social too. She started dancing with some other people and damn she's so cute. That went on for like 5 minutes and I watched with a smile the whole time. As I did the rest of the hours I was there too. We went into another room with only the kids to unpack the gifts but I couldn't read from her expression if she was being sincere or not. After that we played a game with all of us and then we had to have dinner. I wasn't hungry even though I hadn't had food in 2 days so I made up an excuse about having ADHD medicine and losing my appetite, what skipped me out on half the meal. Honestly I feel bad about it but I know if I hadn't made up an excuse she would've probably forced me to eat the whole meal. And I know it's because she cares but if she does that I will feel like I have to because I can't say no for some reason. And I feel like I'm not close enough with her yet to discuss something serious. And of course yopu should be able to discuss something that's bothering you even if you're not close with them, but I'm to scared to do that. I also didn't wanna eat nothing cause I'd feel like that was too impolite to do. So I finsihed the dish with a lot of effort and after that we decided to go outside and play Jachtsezoen which is a dutch thing from stukTV. It's basically playing cops and crooks. I ran with the girl I barely knew and my crush he bestfriend. Eventually I brought up love life. Like I always do when I need to know something about someone else's love interest or want to let them know mine. Then I found out my crush expects that I like her... Like what? How? I didn't even see her in real life after I realized I like her. Yes I did repost a lot and post a lot about it, but the only thing that could be a little obvious is reposting the first letter of her name and the soft flirting, but I flirt with a lot of people. And everyone I told it to, says they didn't tell. Right. Her bestfriend said that my crush doesn't have a crush right now, but she has to, cause it's in her reposts. I also got super baked as this all was happening. And that was such a bad person thing of me to do, cause my crush doesn't do drugs and thinks it's a bad thing. It's not like she's against it, but like, she'd rather not have people doing it around her you know. Cause she understands that it's people their own decision. Eventually shit happened (with the drillers for the dutchies.) and we went back inside. We had about an hour to pass before the birthday would end. We played the game we were playing before, but after 2 rounds almost everyone was sick of it so we decided to play hide and seek. In the dark. Without flashlight. It gen felt like a horror movie with the way it looked. Then after round 1 we all came together and she did the lean against the wall behind you move. She did it as a joke but damn my heart was racing. Cuase damn I wanted to pull her back against me but I couldn't cause there was other people. If we would've been alone I probably would've done whatever I thought of doing. All this time I was also just hoping no one noticed I was far from the earth. But eventually when people started to leave and there were only like 5 people left, she did. And fuck I don't think I've ever felt worse. And it's def something I have learned from btw guys. I will never do it again. Promise. I think? Cause somehow even though when I don't want to, I do bad things. Then I had to leave too, cause I had to bike with the girl I barely knew. If it weren't for her I probably would've stayed. So we went top get our bags and stuff but we just ended up talking for 20 more minutes. She constantly motioned for me to sit beside her when I had stood up so uhm... That's something I guess. And then we did the last words, face to face, sitting next to eachother, faces like 5 centimeters from eachother, looking in eachothers eyes, the girl I barely knew still there too, but. No kiss. We did agree on hanging out soon though, very excited about that.