The Desire To Disappear

Sometimes we all feel the desire to disappear, not a dramatic death, not escaping, just disappearing somewhere where no one can find us. But from where does this desire takes it’s birth? The desire to disappear often rises not from weakness, but from exhaustion; we get exhausted by pretending even when the theatre is dark, socialising not for the sake of connection but for survivable connection, or feeling exhausted by merely living. It rises from not wanting to be someone’s expectation, being present yet untouched, or just wanting to stop pretending and start living. These are the major birthplaces of the desire to disappear.

The desire to disappear is the cause of suffering a lot psychologically; the suffering consists of many layers, first is when we feel misunderstood by someone, that’s when we realize how separate our thoughts are and how we all are living differently inwardly. Beneath this comes emotional numbness, not feeling anything, yet aching deeply within our hearts, slowly and quietly. And then comes another layer when we start to doubt about our whole identity and feel like we are the problem, not the world. This makes one feel unfit anywhere and results in isolation. Beneath all of this lies a deeper reason, the fear of rejection; this is when we feel the fear of rejection by anyone, and so we sabotage doing anything and just lie with ideas floating in our head, not acting on them, fearing rejection.

The desire to disappear doesn’t appear only from inward suffering; it can also be born from outward suffering; by outward suffering, I mean society’s pressure to be something or someone. Society always glorifies the one who has reached success, which means love, fame, money, etc. And from the day we are born, we are often taught to be extraordinary, and society makes “ordinary” feel as something inhumane or wrong, but there can be beauty in something very ordinary as well. I have explored more on this in my other essay. We always see on social media and in other platforms how everyone is growing and becoming something, and that makes us feel guilty and absurd, and that’s where the desire to disappear enters one’s mind. Just think about it, wouldn’t it be beautiful to disappear into solitude and live alone, away from society and everyone?

After becoming exhausted from society and inner guilt, we start to manifest the desire to disappear. Because disappearing offers much comfort, and that consists of not pretending and living for yourself; if no one is there to perform for, then we can be what we truly want. And there is a peace in living alone in solitude, and loneliness has always been glorified in history and in Literature. We feel that disappearing will erase most of our problems, but there is a cost that needs to be paid after disappearing. To disappear truly means living alone without any form of emotional support. Disappearing demands every human connection that exists, meaning no form of sharing or emotional support. This can make us crave human connection and long for communication. Therefore, disappearing isn’t just comforting; the other side of it is horrific; if we are willing to disappear, then we must remember the pain it can bring.

But is the desire for disappearing or wanting to be seen? This desire is born when we get exhausted by our friends, family, or society, and we start to think that it’s the best not to exist at all, therefore, the desire isn’t for disappearing, when the desire was taking it birth, it was the desire to be understood without performing, and when we got misunderstood, the desire changed into the desire to disappear. The desire is to be loved without proving, to exist without any form of pressure; the desire is to live, not to survive.