Not my problem

It's been a while since I've updated my blog on anything. And that's because I haven't really had much to write about, which I think is a good thing considering most of the things I write of are of negative nature (I'm a real optimist, aren't I?). But finally, the universe has decided to grant me writing material. As much as this is really none of my business, I need to write it out to sort it in my brain, because as of now it's a giant clump of confusion. Also, I'm pretty sure no one I know reads these. Or anyone at all, for that matter.

Where is the line between morals and loyalty? How do I know whether to stick to my gut or my friends? These are the type of questions I've been asking myself for about a week now after I found out that one of my best friends, who we'll call Sylvia, got under-shirt action close to one of our other friends, who we'll call Star. Now, this wouldn't be such a problem if Star wasn't in a committed relationship at the moment. In other words, Star cheated on her soon-to-be ex girlfriends with Sylvia. The short explanation is that Sylvia and Star had gone to a concert and ended up sleeping over at one of their houses. They were play fighting, something that's normal for them, but this time it went further sexually. They didn't do anything major, but they were still trying to make each other moan while on top of one another. And neither of them even tried to stop the other while this was happening. Both knew of Star's girlfriend, who is actually also friends with Sylvia (real loyal there, Sylv. Glad I'm friends with you). 

Now, they both claim to regret their actions (but given the chance to do it again, they would, so take that as you will). I've already shared with them how I feel about it: That their relationship won't work out if they end up dating, that what they did was shitty. But I admittedly held myself back a little in bias to our friendship. So, without further ado, I will not hold back.

They're both fucking disgusting for what they did. I don't care how "touch starved" either of them were, the fact that neither of them even tried to stop what was happening, and even encouraged is, is blood boiling. It's selfish of them to go into a relationship with one-another and practically just forget about Star's gf. Also, it feels like Sylvia's using the fact that Star's gf isn't the greatest person as an excuse for her actions. Like she's trying to justify what she did even though she "feels bad" and "knows it was wrong". The most infuriating thing is how Sylvia treats this as some joke, like it's some silly little main character moment in a tv show. She's acting like she's the protagonist in a, "why does this always happen to me?" situation, but little does she realize she brought this on herself. It's so annoying, because she comes to me for advice about it, complaining about the consequences of her actions, but then doesn't listen to me at all. I was never super close with Star, so I don't have any problem with seeing her as a bad person for what she did. I'll say it to her face, because she deserves to feel shame for cheating on her girlfriend. If she really regretted it, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. Sylvia, however, I'm having a harder time disliking. I dislike her for how she's handling it, sure. But I'm a lot closer with her, and I can't just... I don't know. I can't just push her away for the shitty thing she did. 

That's where my previous question about loyalty and morals comes into play: Should I stick to my moral code of "cheaters are bad", or should I be loyal to my friend and support her through this?? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Honestly, I was going to play both teams (essentially still being her friend and supporting her but not with this), until my other friend said I should probably pick a side. And she's right. Sylvia keeps doing shit like this and then cries to me and her other friends when it goes sideways (again, a "why me" type of attitude). She keeps digging herself into a hole and asking me to send her down a ladder. And no matter how many times I tell her she should bring her own next time, or not dig a hole to begin with, she doesn't fucking listen. It's like a brick wall exists between my mouth and her ears. It pisses me off, and I want to tell her that. But I don't want her to think I hate her. I don't want to fracture our relationship. And I don't even know how to approach that conversation. Maybe I'll bring her cookies and then tell it to her straight? Yeah, I might do that actually. And I'll make cue cards so I don't miss any points.

I have a more selfish statement about this, one I didn't dare say to anyone I knew because I didn't want to sound narcissistic and like it's all about me. Essentially, I fear I may have a ping of jealousy. I used to have a crush on Sylvia. I don't believe I do anymore, at least not in the sense of longing for a long-term relationship (no offense but she wouldn't be a great partner). Long story short, we ended up "dating" for a week before she broke things off because she realized what she felt for me was only platonic (which is fair, I've been there before). Then after dating my other friend right after that and breaking it off with him, we were talking about how we had ended things off. It was a truth or dare kind of thing, and at the time I still sorta liked her. So, I asked if hypothetically, she would try dating me again. She said no, because even if she felt that way about me, she didn't want to risk losing our friendship. And that was when she'd decided she wasn't going to date her friends anymore. That was four months ago, and I guess she's forgotten about her unwritten policy, because look where we are now. 

When I talked to her about how starting a relationship with Star was a bad idea because it was going to go up in smoke (only because of how it started and the type of person Star is), she told me that it didn't matter. That she had to try anyways because that was love, that was life. That it was "worth the risk". Which really made me feel like shit, because it meant that I wasn't worth the risk. That she's willing to date seemingly anyone who would have her, even her shitty, psychopathic ex, but as soon as it comes down to me it's a no. She keeps raving on about how she's finally found someone who loves her, who cares about her. I loved her. I cared about her. I still do, of course, just not like that anymore. And admittedly, we wouldn't be a great couple anyways. At least I'm realizing that now. But why couldn't she have given me a bigger chance before? I still wouldn't mind kissing her. 

Ok, selfish part is out. I know that makes me look like a terrible narcissist, but I just needed to be honest with someone or something. And obviously, I'm not gonna tell her that. I'm not a douche. But I just needed to get it off my chest. 

Anyways, I suppose that's it for now. I don't know why the fuck she's trying to wrap me in this whole thing. She made her bed, she can lay in it, not me. I'll keep this updated with what happens next, if anyone cares that is lolololol. Everyone else is an asshole.