why cant someone just fucking love me the way i love them, and another vent about my friends

oh my fucking god i swear. (i am talking about so many topics right now)

i wish i was loved the way i love. like, why cant i be loved? why am i unable to be loved? because its seems that everyone fucking hates me, or doesn't want me to be friends with me annymore, like i put all my love and energy for someone or more people leaving me physicly and mentally drained, just for them to fucking waste it. maybe i cant be loved, i mean, my friends leave me out all the time, i make new friends, it happens again, i make MORE friends, they become distant, i make MORE friends, just for it to be fucking ruined because of gossip that is obviously FUCKING FAKE

i swear to god, i just cant take it annymore, i just cant. i feel like not even my own family loves me. my parents are always complaining about me being lazy, having my headphones in way to much, but thats because im mentally very fucking stressed, i dont like loud noises, thats why my headphones are always in, im not lazy, i just freeze up when i feel stressed causing me to not do the task.

 my friend group, like the one from my class, im mentally drainded, fucking tired of them, they always find new things to say about me, they call me "the cat eater" "chiawauwa eater" "dog eater" "the kebab eater" "the Immigrant" like shut the fuck up, they mean it as a joke apperently, and every time the guy, his name is Tim, like every time i sit next to him in class right, he finds new ways to annoy me, kicking my legs, my chair, but when i do it back, then its "teacher, Melisa kicked me." like YOU STARTED IT, BUT EXPECT ME TO DO FUCKING NOTHING? like i swear. im so mentally drained i cant even be mad anny more, like thats how drained i am. when i also dont share my wifi, i'm suddenly "grumpy." this girl in the friend group, her name is Casey, she told me "if you still wanna be in the friend group, you have to deal with him." like the fuck? and the other girl, Amelia, she mostly laughs at Tim's jokes for some reason, and when i'm trying to include myself, you know what Tim says? "get back to your seat Melisa." and Amelia and Casey agree, then ending up messing around i class.

i give them all my love, my energy, my time to them, just for them to fucking waste it, its like they rip out my hearth, squeeze it super tight, then step on it until its just gone, like if you don't want me in your little friend group, just fucking say so, because i am gladly leaving. so, Amelia, the girl you know, everytime im talking about other friends and stuff, you know what she says? "your leaving us again." like thats the point.

i have a feeling im also way to agressive. so, im the type of person to be very agressive, not in a bad way, but just smack your arm very hard, or kick you gently, but my crush, his code name from now on is baklava okay? so, i always smack his arm hard, when he is annoying, but i smack his arm playfully, but the thing is, i dont realize i smack hard, until he says "ow."  and im not this comfortable with all my friends honestly, and then the GUILT, so i rub his arm and say sorry.

i just wished i was loved the way i love, because right now, people are ripping my hearth out, squeezing it, then ripping it appart, then walking over it.