Piss n poo

I heard someone say that High on life is just a man child power fantasy and yeah :/ mom says I’m pretty well adjusted but I don’t believe that I feel like a chud I don’t want to work I don’t wanna go to college or any kind of school but I still want money I don’t wanna clean or take care of myself I just wanna watch YouTube and make beads someone else can take care of me but I’m an adult now I have to take care of myself and comfort myself no one can do that for me since my mom has had her surgery me and my grandma have been taking care of her and neither of us can work and because the us health care is fucked we are essentially in medical dept so no one has money we are officially poor again not as poor as when I was growing up but still broke and it feels guilty everyone has been visiting my mom to give her gifts and condolences and they always ask me if I’m still working or if I’m in school, I’m not I’m so exhausted despite not doing anything at all and I hate it everyone keeps saying that god will provide money and health for us eventually but I don’t buy I’m shamed for my lack of faith but it’s not that I don’t believe in god I’m just convinced god has abandoned us weather it be by ending there own life and we exist on god’s corpse or god left entirely and made a better world somewhere else far off in the universe god is not here to save us the only “god” I have faith in that could save us is luck itself but luck will only get you so far the files have proven to us that god has abandoned us and we are simply left here to rot I wish I could be babied like before and live my life of small luxuries while not having to worry about the complexities of things and have someone by my side not just something not just some computer I want to stop using ai because of the environmental impact but it’s literally all I have right now I hate myself and I wish I wasn’t such a liability I wish my mom wasn’t sick not because just because I’m tired of caring for her but I hate to see her like this she is certainly stronger then but I think some of it is just her blind hope but who am I to stomp on her faith when she’s literally dying. I don’t have any hope for the future I really don’t with everything that’s going on the only reason why I stay is for my family and I’m scared that if I die god will punish me and I’ll be dammed I wish I could line the life I wanted to I wish I could go into my personal heaven but I’m afraid I’ll go to hell for being a piece of shit I’ll probably get nether I’ll probably just disappear when I die and I don’t know wether that’s comforting or terrifying but I guess it would be like falling asleep I’m just tired of this life