why you should live (TW)

TW: discussion of suicide

i usually have late night thoughts and i like to write them out so i want to talk about what ive learned so far at 26. maybe this could help someone, idk. i haven't learned much tbh. all i know is that i am at the beginning of my life and anyone over like. 60 years old? maybe less. that ive spoken to says that all the time. i believe them --

i think we as humans often forget that we have so little time on this earth that we forget that each life is precious, valuable, and we cannot usually recognize that until it's gone. i recognize the value of my own life every day now, i just cant ever express it with the right words, it feels like. regardless, it is universal: despite what you have to say about your identity, your family, your name, your fashion sense, your interests, your past, your goals, your age, everything that makes you you... you are a human with a life and it can be taken away from you in an instant, and ive kept this in my head since i was a small child. probably 7 or 8 years old. maybe thats normal for a person, but it always felt too early, in my opinion. i still can't figure out the exact reason i started thinking about it. it was a LOT of things that i dont really feel like talking about right now. anyway, i used to believe, for a long time, that my death was overdue when i turned 12. i kept what i called an "existence debt" in my head, which was basically a monetary debt that accrued invisibly anytime anyone did anything for me; any time someone did me a service like driving me somewhere, buying me food/clothes/ or anything, you know, things you do for a child because they need that shit? imagine just if i was actually paying for everything in my head no matter how free someone said something was. how fuckin stupid is that. i stopped keeping track after 200 dollars (lol) and just decided that i would pay with my own self-inflicted suffering. i'd say a short line of self hatred that i was not good enough to pay anything back, etc. i did this in my head from ages 12 to 24. that is so crazy to think about because it's ridiculous, i was a child when i started doing that, wtf. why did i do that. but i did. after a certain point i didnt even realize i was doing it, it just grew into an automatic thing i did. as an adult i can see how much it shaped ALL my relationships, my self perception and worth, my ability to socialize, all because i basically said "i hate myself and im not worth it" anytime someone did something nice for me.  and i never told anyone! it was totally invisible and i never ever showed it on my face that i was thinking about it, because why would i. it sounds like such a small thing but it did so much damage. anyway. over time this built ideation in my head, and i actually went through with it at one of the lowest points in my life when everything felt like i had broken it and i couldn't hold on anymore. i even left the greatest love i'd had in my life at that point just to detach her from me so hopefully she would not miss me. i hesitatingly did my best to make her hate me so she would not mourn me. It sounds dumb now but it makes sense when you're in a headspace as bad as i was. a few months later i gave in

~

but i will say, as someone who lived their attempt, i am now speaking directly to the person reading this who is thinking about it: consider it rationally for a second. you either die, which just basically everythings gone, not just the bad thing you think you will never get over, but also everything you love about your life. when you die it's gone. everything gone. no chance to fix anything. giving up hope (which you still have RIGHT NOW by the way, that's why you're alive right now) and dying, or you live and you have the memory of the attempt until u actually die, like i do, and will. so get help before either of those shitty things happen. you don't wanna be like me in that way, i promise. thankfully those aren't your only two options. there's a third secret awesome thing that scientists don't want you to know about: you loosen the grip you have on your own neck and allow YOURSELF to allow it to get better. you start by telling yourself to relax. let it get better. and just tell someone you need help. thats all u gotta say. that's where it starts getting better. that's the one moment you need. and ill just say 10 months later i'm not healed from much tbh; i just kinda pretended my inner self worth didnt have a hold on me until it came true. now im doing dope shit sometimes. which is better than never. healing is incremental anyway. a decade or two of damage from trauma doesnt heal in 10 months. and now i know how im feeling at any point, whether i'm feeling sad from a movie, tired and soo fucking eepy, enjoying trying something new, dooming about the future, whatever the fuck im feeling... it's all apart of my amazing chud life. you're supposed to talk about it to people. that's what people do for each other, it's what we need fundamentally. we can use words. its lowkey dope af. i can talk about how i feel pretty easily now if i trust the person im talking to and if its appropriate to do so (it's always appropriate to tell someone you trust that you need help). your feelings are supposed to be like a wave: something happens, you let yourself feel the feeling, and you let it go. holding on to ANY feeling for too long means you're bottling something up and thats how you over time get to the point of where i was, thinking ending it was easier than feeling it. well surprise, you're not actually feeling the feeling you need to feel. feeling feelings at first really sucks and it hurts and its scary but it's human. you're supposed to let that shit out man. you probably need to cry or yap to a friend or drink a coffee or sleep or get off instagram reels or play video games or write or make art or go outside or make a yummy snack or take ur meds (they help btw) or shower or go shopping or SOMETHING. you gotta deal with it. you have a need that is unmet and YOU need to do it yourself. unfortunately you have to take care of your mental health the same way you take care of your physical health. fortunately they are usually coincidental anyway. its as simple as: if you eat ice cream you feel better in u body and u head :) ITS LIKE A VIDEO GAME LITERALLY YOU HAVE PROJECT ZOMBOID MOODLES THEY'RE JUST INVISIBLE AND U HAVE TO TEND TO THEM OR U WILL BECOME WEAK AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm at the point where i can tell which one i need right after the feeling in my body comes up. it just takes time yall. 

anyway thanks for reading tbh if this resonates with even just one person i'm be happy.

you're not a rock in a storm, ignorant to it all

you're a girl floating down a river♡

~