The Loveless Life of a Plus sized Nobody

As a plus sized lesbian i swear its so difficult to find someone who wants me for me, but all i get is either people disgusted of my looks or fetishization and it makes me so upset. like I just want to feel loved. Like personally im happy with who I am physically, do i wanna lose weight? well yeah, but at the same time im comfortable enough in my skin but apparently it seems as though people hate that or sexualize it. 

I just want to live, to be me. is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for others to love me too, that maybe...just maybe behind all this fat is someone worth loving?

I hate being a debbie downer right now, ESPECIALLY right now but its kind of hard not to be when you feel so alone, i can be surrounded by friends and family but that loneliness lingers like a predatory feline stalking, waiting for me to turn my back on it so it can strike. But it never does, cause i know its there but that fear, that gnawing sensation of danger looms over like a dark cloud over me. that loneliness lingers but never shows fully and im afraid of turning my back away, cause thats when itll set in.

I hate that i have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. I hate feeling like im the only one around me at my ripe ol age of 20 who can't seem to find anyone. I know i have years of of finding someone but as tensions rise and my friends grow up i feel like im stuck, not in the past, but im also not floating towards the future either, its like im not even there sometimes. i have friends who are getting married, my oldest brother has a baby on the way, my little brother is a senior now with a healthy relationship, then theres me. Just me, anytime i try to find anyone its always "youre cool, but only as a friend" or "youre too big for me" then theres the opposite, the lewd, disgusting instant fetishization of me, like im some sex object when thats not what i want to be. I just want to be loved like a human, is that too much to ask?