I’m at such a weird point of my life (vent post)

So back in November of last year I got laid off from my job site due to cashing out on all my PTO so I could enjoy my birthday in October and I struggled to pay the bills while picking up as many shifts from different places and pawning all my valuables to make ends meet.

For context im currently a security guard lolz

I eventually on the week of Christmas couldn’t pick up any shifts anymore and ran into a roadblock with paying the rent for the apartment I was living in by myself and I had to swallow my ego and call up my grandma to ask her if I could live with her after trying to go out on my own for the past two years 

I cried so hard, I cried all year long almost everyday for fucks sake. I lost so much and for what? Just so I can feel like an adult for once and gain autonomy? It still hurts a lot thinking about those days. 

Fast forward to me moving all my shit back to my grandmas (my childhood home) and I now have a healthier relationship with my grandparents than I ever did living there originally, but now I’m struggling with a lot at once mentally and I feel this sort of analysis paralysis whenever I sit in deep thought about everything 

Honestly when I get a better job I’m gonna get a therapist, I need one. 

I let this company I work for consume me, I let video games consume me. I lost my personality but not only that, I lost the love of my life due to being a shitty man, I outgrew my friends when I began to finally heal, and I suffered due to my own mistakes and choices in life even because I just wish I did better, with everything. 

I regret alot and I wish I did better but all I can do now is move forward

I’ve been spending the last few months since I moved back trying to rediscover who it is I even am, and I still honestly don’t even know who I am and that makes me want to cry even now. 

Ive been listening to the music I grew up with and regained a love for emo/screamo/post hardcore/hardcore music, I picked up drawing again, I’ve got a new haircut with side bangs & ditched my long hair that I’ve had for 6 years straight, I stopped smoking weed altogether so I can learn to live sober, I changed my wardrobe to wear what I’ve always wanted to wear, I started stretching my ears, and I got a bunch of piercings to make myself unrecognizable to my old self because I’m different now. 

I need to let go of this company I work for so I’m taking the time to go back to trade school and try out a trade, just anything different than security, I can’t take this anymore and I deserve nice things, I deserve the nice things I see other people enjoy while Ive sat alone in a corner thinking to myself for years “is 15 an hour all I’m worth” 

I want to change, I want to transform, I want to discover my personality and I want to water my plant. 

I’m gonna be taking up drivers school so I can get my license and get my one of my many dream cars (either a Lexus ls400, Nissan 350z, Toyota celica, or mistubishi lancer evo) 

I’ve been hitting the gym three times a week to become stronger and that has helped my mental health a lot and has become a form a therapy for me, I’d like to become so strong that I’ll feel confident on the inside because I really don’t currently. 

The grind has me feeling asexual and my love life is completely dead. I wish I treated my ex better and gave her everything she wanted, she was the flowery meadow in my dead yard, apple of my eye, my garden of Eden. I wish I tried harder. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love again nor get the chance to and that’s okay, maybe I need to spend awhile working on the content of my character and make a name for myself. 

I want to be as perfect as I can be for that off chance that someone does decide to love me and I can be the best man possible emotionally, physically, and financially.

I’m sorry for the yap, ever since I abandoned my friends for good I’ve been incredibly lonely and I have nobody at all to share my thoughts with. I hate this feeling but I havnt let it bitter me, not one bit. 

I’m gonna probably commit to practicing guitar so I can one day start that emo band that child me wanted to do so bad. Maybe healing my inner child would help me a lot.