am i antisocial?

even since i was a kid, it's been hard to explain my thoughts about other people and friendships. i  think people are interesting, of course, and i love getting to know more about them. but do i care? care like i would for my pets, or my hobbies? or maybe talking to people is the hobby? 

every single social interaction i have, even with some of my own siblings, coworkers, parents, all feel like im just pretending to be somebody that cares. i watch others interact with their friends and i just imitate that onto my own friends. i feel like a cheap copy of a person, or an AI. sometimes i feel bad about it, but then i remember that its not hurting anybody. me pretending to care helps them. so what if i dont actually care? so what if im just imitating, copying, adapting what i see? isn't that what living in society is all about? not trying to sound like some kinda fake deep incel troll.

i feel like something is wrong with me. why does nobody else see how weird it is? how you can speak one way, but after hanging out a little too much with someone, you start to use that particular person's habits, bit by bit, because we naturally have some kind of hive mind pack mentality thing in our brains that tells us this is what we have to do to keep us safe from being ostracized? and yeah i've tried the whole 'being yourself' mentality but it just doesn't work out for me. why is everybody pulled by the natural urge to make a community out of their surroundings but me? 

that second paragraph might not have been all true. i DO care. i just find it hard to express sometimes. sometimes my care looks a little different from somebody else's care. i care enough to show it to them in a way that makes me uncomfortable, itchy, anxious, because i know that's how you can understand that i do. 

i think one of my coworker friends are mad at me. i talk and chatter with her all day but as soon as its time to hang out outside of working, i dont take her cues. i dont ask about her husband or her baby, i dont sit with her even if all the other chairs are taken, i dont ask for her number, i stop acting like her. i dont know if it pissed her off, or confuses her, or what. im not very bothered by it right now, but i hope she doesnt bring it up later. i just havent been very interested in her right now. shes a bit boring at the moment, and thats okay with me. she's not the only or last person i can interact with.