bottled thoughts (pt 2)

lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping again due to many things that I’ve been bottling up and compartmentalizing lately.  (I’m writing this at 5:25 am)

I actually wanna start off pretty positive today, and say my mom doesn’t have cancer again! I don’t think I’ve told anybody yet as I’ve been extremely busy this month, but my mom is so blessed to not get a resurgence of cancer again after a cancer scare. So basically, my mom still had breast tissue left over from a double mastectomy 19 months ago due to them botching the procedure. Because of their mistake she got a lump in her armpit area that was very consistent with breast cancer ~January and needed a needle biopsy-> local biopsy. Come last week, it came negative for anything cancerous. God is so great and that’s a huge blessing as resurgent cancer cases <5yr have an extremely high mortality rate long term. I pray to God my mom stays in remission and never gets cancer again as the Orginal time my mom had cancer was incredibly scary and painful and I don’t ever wanna repeat that scare after seeing 4 people close to me die/extremely ill of cancer so far. I pray my mom may live a life of prosperity and peace after what she’s gone through.

I am so excited I get to fly soon. I’m done with all the bullshit needed from the FAA (medical exam, ICARA, etc) and done with all the money bullshit I needed to deal with after juggling 3-5 things at once (rent, EMT-B courses, minimum money needed for my business, school etc, and have a couple thousand saved for it. I can immediately fund hour 0-15). Now the fun stuff begins in March. I’m so excited that by April 1st I’m going to get my introductory flight and actually enroll in flight school. I should have income and savings to accomplish my PPL (private pilot license) by July. I’m SO excited, I’ll go from a nerd who used to be so interested in commercial planes and fighter jets as a kid, to someone who’s actually flying a Diamond DA40. I’m about to finish online ground school soon so I should get the final prerequisite before h can actually get off the ground soon. Once I do my introductory flight you KNOW that I’m gonna spam tf outta it on my account posting the footage everywhere possible.

I’m so glad that I’ve graduated high school man. I look back at it, and I’m so glad that I’m out of that environment. I don’t miss anything from high school, (except my relationship that’s quite literally the only thing I view fondly of in HS + the first half of my senior year (August to December 2024.)(I actually viewed that time so foundly, that I do NOT regret not graduating early due to the time I spent with someone I care about.) high school was a traumatizing environment that had me at the crosshairs of literally anything bad imaginable due to my connections I had at the time. I’m very happy that I’ve graduated high school and been freed from those chains placed on me. It’s been 9 months since I’ve graduated and I’ve noticed that I’m a lot more safe than I used to be as I no longer need to worry about people literally trynna kill me or do bad things I don’t wanna talk about on a near daily basis for years. (June 2021-early 2024) I’m glad I’m in college now even though things have changed dramatically some of the better some for the worst. After I graduated, I feel like I’ve “disappeared” I’ve blocked literally everyone imaginable from high school (12,000+ people) from July to now, and rode into the sunset. (The people who I never blocked are people I follow, view fondly, or people associated with those I view fondly indirectly. If you see this, that’s because I genuinely fw you as a person.) I feel like I’m on witness protection post high school like some anime protagonist shi and I genuinely enjoy the lowkey nature of it now. 

(Extension of this: I wanted to talk about this in my PTSD memo but forgot lmfao. there’s some things I have as “triggers” like fluorescent lights “school lights”, being confined in a room where there’s no exits, locker room environments in general, large groups of males ESPECIALLY football players, certain hallways, mildew/musty scent, faint buzzing of industrial fans, the iron smell of blood (in context, as I’m becoming a EMT basic so it’s only a trigger in context of witnessing melee violence)  (mostly due to horrific violence)(I’ve never talked about this and won’t just explaining a trigger), etc. I’ve became very self aware recently to understand and try to avoid these things that set off things. I noticed in college if I encounter this it causes extreme dissociation. At the time as a 14-17 year old I thought seeing 100s of HORRIBLE things was a very normal thing all males see or be a target of (extreme violence), it was actually years later at 18 when I would speak to people (limited things I was comfortable to talk about) when I found out it was a extreme outlier. It’s weird as these things didn’t bother me when I was in high school but it was once I graduated when these things started to affects me YEARS later (like the most horrific things I’ve seen was in 2021/22 but affected me 4-5 years later.) when I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder in March of last year I thought “only military people get that shit wtf” but didn’t know that virtually everything i experienced form ~September 2024 to present day (symptomatically NOT trauma related as that was years prior) is consistent with severe post traumatic stress disorder. I feel like ~August 2024 the start of my senior year when I was in a relationship affected me in relation to ptsd not because anything bad was happening but bad things STOPPED happening. Because for years I was used to survival mode and when I could get a break, it seemed to play out in dreams first (like dreams of protecting someone I love from horrific violence), and played out in hypervigilance in defending women and kids (my little brother) from what I perceive as dangerous form people etc. then it took forms (later on in extremely disturbing and vivid nightmares and flashbacks to specific cues/triggers, etc (that’s all I feel safe sharing) writing memoirs helps me dramatically unpack and unravel years of compartmentalized violence I’ve witnessed. There’s times I’ll be completely thugging shit out and feeling strong publicly as I’m a male and must be strong, but privately I cry or feel deeply disturbed about this. At times it plays out in guilt where I cry feeling extremely guilty (like Kendrick Lamar “u” guilt) of why did this happen to me?” “Why did these people get away with this?” Or “why couldn’t I defend people from XYZ” etc. anyways I feel a lot better writing about this and having self awareness of this pattern than bottling this up specifically without oversharing too much details but explicitly explaining it.

(I find it very hard to explain this to people who didn’t go to school with me (like my high school) as you see a person like me and be like “he didn’t go through shit because he got a nice family, good income etc.” and this made me feel extremely invalidated for many years like “why do I feel XYZ when I have the “good life?”” But I’ve talked to many people post graduation about my environment (not my traumas) and they’re like “wtf”, “what you seen is NOT common in schools” etc. Like it took me many years to feel validated in what I seen was objectively very severe and very rare in schools. It shocks people when I show evidence too of the chaos (like news articles, or transcripts of events from 2021-2023, and HOW statistically rare that is compared to average US high school)

I’ve been extremely worried. Worried sick about someone I deeply care about and her wellbeing lately. I find myself worried about something I expressed as a concern ~20 months ago that in my opinion has gotten worse. Objectively since I know a lot of context it’s something that I know deep inside I’m not being dramatic about knowing it, nor do I even try to tell myself “things are ok” when they re objectively extremely concerning. It is extremely painful to watch someone you care about deteriorate mentally and physically over time. I’ll be tough in the day time like I need to be, but there’s several nights when I’m alone that I feel helpless about a circumstance that I care and worry about so much. I find myself praying all the time to God about healing her from this specific circumstance and making sure she can let go of the extreme weight she carries mentally. I am an extremely observant and empathetic person to people I care about, so each day I feel worse and worse as I reevaluate old context + get new context with time. I pick up on shifts or body language or patterns etc, and most evidence makes me more worried with time. I find myself getting nightmares of this circumstance often (actually this is what woke me up today to write.) I haven’t spoken to her in a year today actually, and since that day I’ve been worried about the exact same thing and only get more evidence of the same fear over time. :( it worries me of how much she carries alone and how heavily thing are on her plate, and it worries me of the environment that she’s in too. I pray that she has people to check up on her and has some peace in her world I can pray. And I continue to pray over her especially recently. I pray can do better in her mental health and wellbeing, I pray she’s eating, I pray she isn’t so hard on herself, I pray she’s praying and connected spiritually, I pray she’s ok at a VERY human level I pray she’s doing ok. I just want her to do ok, that’s all. 

(Extension of this: I do hope if we do speak to each other again in my lifetime for her to know that i never stopped caring about her wellbeing, and that i deeply care about her peace happiness etc even though we haven’t spoken in awhile. I hope that she knows that i have a soft spot for her and genuinely care about her as a person with all of the bottom of my heart and biblical care and concern too. I hope she knows I don’t resent her, I don’t hate her, I am not angry at her, and I genuinely have love, patience, understanding & care for her.)

Another thing I bottle up (a positive thing) is kinda in awe of the growth I’ve had lately in the past 12 months of my life. I feel like I’ve became extremely self aware & significantly more mature than any point in my life previously. I feel like I’ve grown a decade + in just a year. When it comes to not bullshitting, when it comes to empathy, when it comes to not making jokes out of serious situations (although I still do this as it’s the #1 way I cope with horrific situations, but I don’t do it insensitively), with listening more, with not bottling things up, with people’s skills, with not going dumb shit etc. I feel as if the past couple of months I’ve turned from a boy to a man and for REAL this time. I have evolved from my old self to the man I’m being now, I am thankful for the immature part of me I used to be as it helped me become the man who I’m becoming with the lessons I’ve learned. I feel the biggest thing I’ve grown lately (December 2024-> now) is empathy towards the people I care about, and genuinely caring. Self awareness and letting go of pride & ego, is by FAR the best growth man can make a lesson I’ve learned lately. I’m grateful my pain isn’t in vain and I reaped extreme growth in my character. I’m grateful of the growth God is giving me and has given me recently. I pray for prosperity myself and pray for peace and stability in my own life.

(I’ve said this multiple times, but I’m so grateful of my character too. I’m so happy I’ve never abused substances, I’m so grateful I never slept with women or had rebounds or dumb shit like that, I’m so grateful i never turned to alcoholism, I’m grateful that I’ve TRULY been tested by God in every way possible and kept both my character and faith. (Similar to the book of job if I can make the best 1:1 comparison) I’m grateful I’ve kept humility and stfu when needed so I can grow, or keep humanity and not condemn humans as inherently evil despite what I’ve witnessed, I’m grateful of the way I love too and how I’ve never turned cold and keep my heart to love unconditionally without expecting anything in return. Etc)

Final thing I wanna talk about is changes. I’m a very conservative person in how I live (not politically but socially & lifestyle.) I like things pretty stable and routine. Lately I’ve witnessed a lot of changes in my life recently (2yr) and it’s been hard to manage at times with so much change. Some changes have been for the worse but also some for the better. I find it kinda crazy HOW much has changed in my life recently how my life isn’t the same it was 3 months ago, 6 months ago, 9 months ago, 12 months ago, 18 months ago, 24 months ago etc. Things changes so much lately in my life to the point it’s kinda hard to keep up with. Giving things to God has helped me a lot in keeping ground in stability and staying steadfast on storms in life. God has been my anchor and shepherd in life recently and God will never fail me or fail you (the reader). Etc. 

that’s everything I wanna talk about as it’s been keeping me up late at night the past couple of weeks (especially my worries of loved ones) I feel SIGNIFICANTLY better being transparent with things I wanna share without oversharing traumatizing details, etc. I actually like writing about this stuff it is therapeutic to me especially since I haven’t written vividly in ~18 months. I hope that yall can relate to some things I’ve said in this memo.