the matter left when the seawater evaporates

my real name isn't salt, if it's not obvious to you. i chose this display name based off of my "persona", a character based off of who i want to be. or at least, who i wanted to be back in 2022-2023, back when salt was first created. he was strong, confident, passionate, all the things i thought i wasn't. all the things i still think i'm not. but over the years, "salt" and "i" became synonymous -  now, salt is me. salt is the boy smiling like an idiot in his drawings, but he's also the boy who's holed up in its room, unable to do much of anything other than eat, sleep and draw. he will always have his small mole and messy hair. it will always be drawing.

i've been meaning to write an entry for months now, but i never knew where to start. a kind chinchilla suggested to start with myself: what makes salt, salt? what does it love? what does it hate? 

as many other neurodivergents did, i grew up crafting an identity for myself, to make me seem more "normal". i would act a certain way, assign characteristics to myself, which would then end up as a self fulfilling prophecy, i guess. i don't know who i really am as a person, but things that've stuck over the years are my strong interests. i have always loved art. i probably always will. i admire all of its forms, from dance to theatre to music, but fine art will always be my one love. it was an escape, a way to express myself, to bring the vast world in my little head to life. i was such a creative kid, i had my own little universe with its own language. i kept track of its alphabet and grammar, keeping all its nuances safe in my little notebook. i'm jealous of who i was then, as i feel my imagination and creativity stayed behind in those times. despite my lack of energy and motivation now, i still draw. even though i think it looks shit. i draw and i draw and i draw because that's the only thing i never gave up on. by the time i was 10, i had quit drums, guitar, singing, ballet and swimming lessons. i never pursued them further. i might've quit art lessons, but it didn't mean i stopped drawing. piles and piles of loose papers and sketchbooks and whatever other surfaces that were at my mercy fill every house i've stayed in. even as i look around my dark room now, its surrounded by art supplies and sketchbooks and illustrations - some of them mine, but some of them from media i consume. i'm sure you all know me as that one guy who likes project sekai and jellyfish, so i don't feel the need to go into those interests right now. 

i'm not as passionate about my dislikes i think. i don't like tomatoes or eggplants or discriminatory people or ... etc etc etc. finding out what i dislike helps a lot, as if i don't feel intensely for something, i struggle to know if i feel okay with it or not, so i can use the process of elimination to find out ...

i've had my rough share of experiences with all kinds of people. but i still find it in me to love. i find love in the smallest things. i guess that sense of connection keeps me going. keeps me feeling human? i don't know. i hold grudges with certain people while feeling warmth in my heart while talking to others. but i guess that's how this works. compared to some of my closest long-term friends, i tend to say i love things more often. i don't really think the phrase 'i love you' loses its meaning if you say it more. i want to always let people know - what if it's the last time i can?

that's as much as i can say for today. to summarise: hi, i'm salt (not really). i know i hate tomatoes and eggplants and other stuff.. and i know i love art. and if you're reading this, i probably hold some form of love and affection for you too. hopefully you know that.