a letter

it almost 3 years since it was all over, and im just now starting to actually see the truth. i thought  i was just like you, so i could understand you. understand why you did the things you did. but even when i could understand it, i didn't do the things you did. you would've never let me, huh? you know im telling myself that you're dead now? i think it'd be kinda funny if you did now. my mind may never be free, but at least the actual chain would be cut off. anyways, im nothing like you. i was trying to remember who i was without you. With you, i was only what you told me i was. but who was the one walking on eggshells? IM too sensitive? IM always complaining? IM being selfish? god, and you lacked originality too. yeah, i turned out to be crazy, but i was my crazy. Everything you did was so predictable. I thought it was just cause i knew you. No, i just recognized a pattern in you, in your kind. An actual narcissist. i tell myself it was all you knew. but i know you had a strong sense of morality. that libra venus almost killed me. and it was pretty strict. Yet you could break them and act superior still? at least i can and could admit my faults, much much more than you deserved. i knew you, but you knew me too. i understood you, but you were too dim to understand me. we studied each other. Me, to cooperate. Obey. Avoid punishment. You, to manipulate. Hit me where it hurt. Oh, and you telling me i have a victim complex? I thought about it, and YOU were the one acting like you were so good and i was the piece of shit dragging you down. i was everything you wanted to be- bold, likable, cute, funny, magnetic. somehow in the center of attention without ever trying. That was then, wonder if you're still jealous now? yeah i was never perfect, and we were young. and none of this would feel worth saying if i really believed you changed. Grew up, like I did. but you haven't, because i still know you. you hated being pitied. but here we are. I only ever thought so highly of you because you were stealing me. im seeing the truth of our dynamic. Me, sick in the head and gaslit, believed we were a love like no other. But we were just like any other abusive relationship. Yeah, i said abusive. Remember when you would only apologize once you saw the bruises? Or laugh about pushing me with your mom? i got nothing in return from you. i should've been crazier. maybe your darling was right to want to destroy you. Don't worry, im not stupid like her. I know the best revenge is a life well lived, served cold. i thought i would want you forever, but im not you now. i can feel your goo, residue sliding off of me. i know this shit isn't linear (you know what that means, right?), but i know enough to never, ever go back where I've been. I'm repairing myself, because IM capable of it. You definitely need therapy. Your mom too. Despite what you might think, you don't own a single inch of me. I used to wish you well, but if you died tomorrow, i'd cry with a party hat on. I still don't regret our relationship, because I really like the person I'm turning out to be after it, but you bet your ass i would never do it again. i still dont know what I would do if i saw your face, but i would definitely make it worth it. For me, not you. 

you could've been better than me, but you weren't. Still aren't. Never will be. I'm sure you'll get all the chances you could desire; im not the one stuck in the circle. so i'll let myself take as much time as i need to heal, but each year im better than the last. I actually do trust myself, as i should. Your best is lower than my bare minimum now. You're gonna hate me, but never as much as you hate yourself. You could've made it, but your sorry ass chose not to. Unlike you, i will never stop trying. You've only seen a fraction of how great i can be. 

i could write an entire book about how i felt and what happened during my time with you (maybe i am), but i'll send your corpse on with this- the only love i had for you was due to the chemicals in my brain. Activated by a trauma response. You're nothing more than an addiction, and now i'll never be tempted again. Kick rocks.

-Kate.