I wanna be honest

Short disclaimer:

Tbh I don’t know what I am writing or if I am still legitimately sane. My brain feels like a literal hazard.

 This is not a persona I put up to be special on this platform. This is completely ooc (out of Character). 

Every sentence I write is just a pool of intertwined mess. And if my writing looks bad I really apologize. (English is my third language.)

(tell me your thoughts if you can muster up anything from whatever this is)

Let’s get started…

I got to know this place because I saw a video of a alt girl advertising for this place about a year ago on TikTok and hoped I might find someone to fall head over heals for…

I know pretty silly and lowkey even quite pitiable… tbh I still haven’t given up on my main Quest tho…

Unsurprisingly, there were also side quests that started on my way towards my main Quest goal.

- I wanted to find interesting friends!

- I wanted to find myself (by broadening my horizon with all the special input I wasn’t aware existed in this world from all you cool guys, cute girls and interesting other people on this platform)

- I wanted to escape the endless loop of boredom because social media, the people using it and the world resolving around it became shallow, empty, meaningless lumps of copy and paste's. 

Again: Social media had become a place of copy and paste personalities. I understand the algorithms behind the apps, and the people (nowadays even AI)  using it mindlessly everyday. 

( which is funny… because to me… understanding the people was easier than understanding the algorithms )

All you outside the box thinkers, nerds, and those who loath what social media had become.

I am searching for you. 

I wanna be friends with you and 

I wanna be close to you. 

I wanna be different from the rest of the world but 

I also don’t want to go that road alone. 

But let’s also be honest for a second… just thinking about searching and getting to know you is a hassle in itself and very draining at first.

Pretty selfish of me I know but who would blame me? Don’t tell me you never felt drained, getting to know new people and trying to save all the new information inside your brain and creating a file just for them and their data. 

Even writing this gives me real time embarrassment and you prolly get secondhand embarrassment just from reading this.

To be honest… my expectations were met for my side quest to a degree. “Why only to a degree?” you may ask… well… it’s because all I do is read their blogs, bulletin boards and profiles but never try a more personalized way by texting each other where we could ask each other about our days and get closer over time…)

Is it because I can’t really form connections on here?

Are we all just some shallow ahh NPC’s incapable of bonding and becoming friends?

Are we just introverts and fine with how we are? Or 

Are we traumatized from a society that is not promoting community bonding but self improvement and social circle shrinking? 

Putting all those questions aside… deep inside I feel like something is missing. Even here I feel an emptiness. I don’t know if I am using this platform wrong but this doesn’t feel real.

It’s more like a simulation… a simulation inside a secluded space for people who became byproducts of this societies world and decided to put up digital imaginarry walls around themselves to shut themselves away from the world… 

which is amusing because the world in itself became a wide range simulation too if you think about it.  

A simulation inside a simulation? 

Do I want to partake in this simulation and try to be happy?

Should I break free from the simulation and stay inside the world simulation? 

Or do I break free from them all and find reality?

What even is reality? 

How can I break free from a simulation I grew up in all my life? 

Did you watch “the Truman show”? Truly a remarkable example. All his life he felt normal. But out of nowhere a spotlight with the name Sirius fell down infront of him. A crack on the simulation dome was enough to make him restless all the time and thirsty for answers.

OOHHH btw ever heared of Gnosticism? 

Take a look at this instagram post maybe you can understand me better after this.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUx_28qEQHB/?igsh=OWlpZnR4cWx5dWJi

Did someone or something took away something from me I was not / and will never be capable to know having in the first place?

It will be 2:20 AM in Germany the moment I will put this stuff on my Blog. I am sitting on my chair next to my desk and wonder what can fill the emptiness inside me. 

Should I even fill it?

What if the emptiness is the reality I am looking for? 

Is it even worth it then?

Would it be more worthwhile if emptiness wouldn’t be reality?

How can I ever find happiness thinking like that? 

What if happiness is also just a simulation?

And what if happiness is simultaneously also reality?

What if we decide where to draw the line between reality and simulation? 

And what if we have no power over it and there is a place called reality? 

What if reality and simulation are the same but we’re not capable of understanding it with our limited 3 dimensional understanding? 

Ever watched “Lucy”? cus of some illegal drugs she was able to tap into her full brain. Her brain didn’t utilize her anymore like we do but she utilized her brain consciously and started to question our reality. The systems we put up to limit what is actually true in an attempt to make 1 + 1  logicaly true may work out in the simulation of the world but what if 1 is not a number at all but like space dust in the palm of a baby’s hand. 

Maybe reality is a concept I was never able to understand. 

Well… I don’t even understand what I wrote. Someone make sense of this please and let me know if I ever actually said something noteworthy