losing to intrusive thoughts, then bouncing back

/!\ CONTENT WARNING: 

Talk of intrusive thoughts & health anxiety. 

Proceed at your own discretion.

This has been a rough winter for me.

A couple bad weeks led to my mental health taking a nose dive in a way that forced me to take a journey to the past in order to better understand my present.

-=0=-

It started when I got sick with norovirus. 

I had chills, intense nausea, and was throwing up, but luckily symptoms only last between 24-48 hours. For me, the virus only lasted a day, but it left a longer impact on my mental health that I didn't fully realize until recently.

A week or so after recovering from norovirus, I was overcome with nausea for a whole week. Unfortunately, this was also the week I started the new semester, so I was struggling through classes trying to hide my nausea. I didn't have any other symptoms, just nausea. It eventually went away, but it was hell while it lasted.

Recently, I've been holed up in my apartment due to extreme cold and snow. As I write this, we're currently in the worst blizzard this city has seen in over a decade, with over 16" of snow and counting. Anyway, I started feeling nauseous again. Since originally being sick, I had been terrified of getting sick again. I didn't realize it right away, but this new wave of nausea was completely fabricated by my mind as a response to my own anxiety. I was having a psychosomatic response to my anxiety.

I came to understand that this nausea may be from anxiety when I was obsessively googling my symptoms in search of answers, which had become a daily ritual at this point. Somewhere in my search, anxiety and health OCD came up and I was like "Oh, yea. Anxiety. Forgot about that one."

-=0=-

I've struggled with pretty bad anxiety my whole life, but for the past few years, I've gotten to a point where it wasn't completely debilitating. I honestly forgot how bad my anxiety used to be- waking up nauseous everyday, frequent panic attacks, being mute, dissociating, etc.

Reading about health OCD put a spotlight on all my intrusive thoughts for the past few years. 

"What if the food you just ate had mold, and now you're gonna die?"

"This food probably has lead and it's going to damage your brain."

"There's radiation in the walls that's driving you insane and draining your health."

"There's asbestos in your ceiling and floors. Check your fingers. Are they clubbed? Have they always looked like that? Or is this a symptom of asbestos poisoning?"

"The air is poisonous." (to be fair, I'm in the most polluted area of my city and since moving here, my asthma did come back)

"There's black mold in the walls and it's going to fill your lungs and kill you."

"You just shivered. You must be ill."

"Listening to this music/video will make you sick."

"Thinking these thoughts will make you sick."

"What if you die of a heart attack or stroke right now?"

"You're all alone. No family for miles. If something happens to you right now, and you're incapable of calling for help, you will die and no one will know."

And in the end, that's what it came down to.

The fear of something happening to me and not being able to do anything about it because I'm too sick or injured. A fear that stems from the many times I've been terribly sick with no one to take care of me. Being without food because I was in a dorm and had no groceries and the college was mostly closed due it being a break. A fear that I was reminded of when I was suddenly sick again. A fear I first felt when I was a kid and couldn't breathe, suffering from an asthma attack for the first time, and I tried calling to my mom for help, but she was distracted on the phone and I couldn't take in enough breath to call out for help. 

I guess in hindsight, it makes a lot of sense why my intrusive thoughts latched onto my health like that ^^'

Every food contained poison, all air was dangerous to breathe, and every bodily function was an indicator I was going to die. 

Obsessively researching every symptom and disease over breakfast, lunch, dinner, train rides and before bed was not normal, but I didn't even realize until I found those articles on OCD.

-=0=-

This anxiety created a vicious cycle. 

Anxious because I'm nauseous <--> Nauseous because I'm anxious

So, I did what I did all those years ago: I proved the anxiety wrong.

"This nausea means you must be sick!"

"But I know it's likely from anxiety. I used to feel like this every day growing up and it's always been from anxiety."

"But what if it's real this time? What if this time it's not the anxiety?"

"Ok, well I'll prove it's anxiety."

So I distracted myself. Despite my anxiety, I went outside and had a nice day. I studied at the library, then bought some snacks from the Konbini. When I got home, the nausea suddenly returned. I kept trying to convince myself it was from anxiety and not an illness. I used the lack of nausea while I was out all day as proof. It was still difficult though; one of those "Don't think of a pink elephant" situations.

The next day, I went to a concert with my cousin. She ended up sleeping over, and I wasn't nauseous for her entire visit. 

The next day, I went out with a friend and had another great day.

Basically, I did the opposite of what my anxiety and intrusive thoughts told me and it acted as proof that the nausea was from anxiety and that the thoughts were wrong. So, exposure therapy essentially. The nausea only came back when I was alone at home again, further proving the nature of the nausea as from anxiety.

I'm still struggling, especially since this blizzard will be keeping me inside for a minimum of two days straight and thus make it harder to distract myself, but I've been doing pretty well today. No nausea, been working on all my assignments, and when things get too much, I draw, write my thoughts, or watch videos/read about other's experiences with health OCD and what helped them. 

It's not so bad now, but it's something I have to constantly keep in check. I can't let the "intrusive thoughts win" aka take over for even a second or else it'll lead to a spiral. I will continue to hold the front line and gain ground on this whatever stupid mental illness this is because the quality of my life depends on it!

I have intrusive thoughts on all types of things, but the health anxiety has been the biggest one recently. Though, I am struggling with weird anxiety I can't quite pin down yet- just general anxiety about the future and I'm not sure what's causing it. For now, I'm just working through one thing at a time.

I know this post is long, but I felt it was important. Hearing other people's struggles with health-based intrusive thoughts has brought me so much comfort and relief, knowing I can get through it, and I wanted to return the favor. The phrases "This too will pass" and "You've gotten through this before, you'll get through it again" have been my mantra through all of this. I'm normally a very self-determined and motivated person who can always find a reason to keep fighting, but the way I've lost my mind recently has left me feeling completely defeated- and that terrified me. I felt like I lost a core part of myself to this mental illness. Proving to myself that even in moments where I feel like I've lost the very essence of who I am to my own mind, I can find a way to persevere and that's more valuable that I could have previously realized. 

-=0=-

I wasn't sure if I was ever going to share any of this, even on the internet, but I feel like I've returned to a mentally stable enough state to be able to share. Shout out to all my cluster B friends (schizophrenics, bipolar, borderline, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, DID, and all other "scary" mental illness friends) are welcome here.

I'm honestly too ashamed and scared to open up about this stuff to my family and friends irl. I hope to see a therapist and will ask my doctor next time I have an appointment, but last I checked the wait list was long and I don't know if I can afford the co-pay right now or the questions from my mom when she sees it on the insurance. 

Just another disclaimer that I have no diagnosis for anything. I mention OCD a lot here because listening to the experiences of those with OCD helped me get through this, and coming across articles on OCD is what helped me realize my nausea was a product of intense anxiety, but I'm not claiming to have OCD or am diagnosing myself as such. It just helped me realize my anxiety and provide me with tools in getting through it.

Anyway, if you read this post to the end, leave me a heart in the comments or a kudos so I know I'm not alone out here :') and I'd love for anyone to share a bit about their intrusive thoughts or experiences with mental health.