23rd of February

1:25 ୨୧ 23 FEBRUARY ୨୧ 2026

MARCH TILL NOW 

It's been a while, hasn't it? I think I've changed a lot, and a lot has definitely happened. For anyone that remembers or even cares, I did end up breaking up with my boyfriend at the time. I finally started taking medication that genuinely improved my life, but obviously things have gone to shit again or I wouldn't be here lmfao. 

I started working at Starbucks, which I already have a billion stories after only working there for three months after having to take medical leave since I fell down and somehow fucked up my legs to the point that walking is actually difficult. Then, I found a boyfriend, who I really did love. He didn't even speak English well, and so I had to brush up on my EXTREMELY RUSTY Japanese so we could communicate lol. Even so, things were literally great until he suddenly ghosted me OUT OF NOWHERE, which is an entire story that I'm just not gonna get into right now, since this is an update and we've got ground to cover. I had a complete mental breakdown until I realized that he was an avoidant attachment type, and he avoidant discarded me after he realized we were actually getting close. Fucking whatever. 

LITERALLY A FUCKING WEEK AFTER THAT MY DOG DIED. LITERALLY ONE FUCKING WEEK. MY DOG DIED. SUDDENLY WITH NO WARNING. I can't get into it without crying but you can BEST BELIEVE that whatever the fuck emotions I was feeling after the breakup with my ex (we can call him Kaito for future reference) were shoved to the side and gave only now come back to bite me (two months later). 

THINGS THAT ARE NOW CURRENTLY RELEVANT 

My brain is so muddled and fuzzy from the 3 medications I take on the daily that it's impossible to think about anything and trying to figure out my emotions is so difficult that I can't even come up with a funny subreference so you know it's bad. So, I'm just gonna try and type and maybe it'll make some fucking sense so I can tell my therapist on Friday.

After Kaito left me, I forced myself back on Hinge, because I knew he'd never come back. I thought at first I wanted a relationship, but then I quickly realized that something casual is probably better. Whatever. I started talking to this guy, we can call him Hajun, and TO BE REAL, I was not really that into him. We went out on a coffee date, and he mostly just listened to me yap the whole time and I appreciate that he (probably fake) laughed at my jokes, but it's not like we have much in common. He offered to hang out again a few days ago at his apartment so we could watch Single's Inferno and he could tell me if the subtitles were right, and this is where things went to shit. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL !!!!! I DON'T KNOW !!!!!! I HATE NOT KNOWING SO MUCH THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE !! I DON'T WANT TO LIKE HIM !!! I DON'T WANT TO !!!!! I hate it, I hate it so much, I really do. I only went out with him again because I thought I wouldn't like him back, or at least, I wouldn't like him as much. As shitty as that sounds, I once heard that it's always better to be with someone who loves you a little more. After Kaito, yeah, I'd rather that. I don't ever, EVER, want to love someone like that again. Never. I was so happy to be his girlfriend, to love and be loved, and the way that everything came down around me in the span of two weeks is too much. I can't ever risk feeling that way again. 

I'm not an idiot, but I also didn't expect us to do what we did.  I didn't expect that I would do it. Hajun didn't seem to be the playboy type, and I hate hate HATE sleeping with someone early on, and it makes me feel sick. I hate it. It's not even that it was bad, it's just that it makes me feel so empty. And what I hate more is how comfortable I felt there. How comfortable it felt to just lie on his chest, how cozy it was to be in his clothes, how he constantly just stared at me and would mutter things in Korean that he thought I didn't understand (I'm pretty sure everybody knows what shibal means lmfao). He had to leave to go to an event, and he offered for me to spend the night, and I hate how my mind keeps replaying the idea of me waiting up for him when he got home, how excited I'd get, remembering how it felt to have someone come home to you. It makes me fucking sick. 

What's even worse is how today was. I actually noticed when he wouldn't text me back for a while, I started to wonder what he was doing, I wanted to actually talk to him. I almost caught myself getting a bit sad when he went to bed without texting or calling me. FUCKING STOP IT!!!!! DON'T DO THIS AGAIN!!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT FOR YOU!!!! 

I am so exhausted of being an idiot. My body is tearing itself in half trying to decide whether to let go or cut and run. I mean, what the hell do I expect? How cruel and selfish can I possibly be? What the hell is wrong with me? If we even did get into a relationship, why on earth would I expose this poor man to me? The grief from Kaito leaving me, my dog's passing, frustration about my slow healing, ON TOP of 10 years' worth of mental baggage. Hajun is normal. He's a normal guy, he doesn't even do much. He would never, ever bear the burden of dating me. And there's too much going on that I don't know if I'll be able to hold it all in. 

I just want to rest. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to love anyone anymore. I don't want to crush anymore, I don't want any of it. I can't bear it. I see how this will end so clearly, and I want to stop myself. Kaito has fucked me up so badly.  We were doing great, and I literally went back and re-read all of our text messages for the past 3 months before he ghosted me praying to see a sign that I overlooked. There was nothing. It came completely out of left field. How can I ever trust anyone ever again? How can I trust anyone to stay with me when someone left me and things were going great? We were getting closer, he was actually trying. He spent the last 32 hours straight with me the day before, smiling and cuddling and rubbing his thumb over my hand, and the next day, he's just done and gone. 

I don't want to like Hajun. I don't. I want to go back to when I didn't like him, when things were casual. When I didn't think about him all day, when I didn't wonder what he was up to, when I didn't get excited thinking about things to ask him. I just want everything to stop. 

♡︎୨୧♡︎୨୧♡︎୨୧♡︎୨୧♡︎