22.02.26 23:34 Entry

It’s not the first time I’ve written in a journal, but it will be the first time I actually take it seriously. I honestly don’t know what to write. In some strange way, I even feel guilty. I feel like I should have a more interesting life in order to deserve filling pages in a diary. As if journaling were a privilege reserved for people with dramatic stories or extraordinary days. But maybe that’s not true. Maybe writing is precisely for moments like this, when everything feels confusing and ordinary and heavy all at once.

These past few days have been suffocating. I feel like my friends are farther away than ever, like I’m watching them drift from the shore while I stand still, unable to move. With Valentina, I try to understand. She had already been dealing with her grandfather’s death, and now her aunt passed away too. Supposedly she hated her, which makes everything even more confusing to me. How do you grieve someone you claimed to despise? But grief is messy. It doesn’t follow logic. Even so, the distance still hurts. Understanding doesn’t make it hurt less.

And Rocío… I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t recognize what we have anymore. I feel like she cares more about the image of our friendship than the substance of it. Like what matters is that it looks deep, that it appears meaningful from the outside. Maybe once it was real. Maybe once we truly saw each other. But now it feels staged, rehearsed, empty. Like we’re performing closeness instead of actually feeling it. That’s what breaks me the most. I loved her so much. I really did. And now that love feels distant, faded, almost unrecognizable. I can’t call her my best friend without feeling like I’m lying. I feel alienated, like I’m orbiting around her life without ever being allowed to land. It makes me angry. It makes me resentful. And yet, I can’t ignore that her presence still benefits me in certain ways. That realization makes me feel small and ashamed.

I don’t want to lose the only friend group I have. The idea of being completely alone terrifies me. But the truth is, I don’t feel connected to almost any of them. Ramiro isn’t really my friend. Santiago and Fátima are never there. Darian… he just exists in the background. And with Valentina and Rocío, everything feels fragile and fractured.

It’s exhausting.