rant #1

Ever since i broke up with my boyfriend, ive been in a bad mental state. And i dont mean im depressed or anything. Ive been experiencing this state of sleep paralysis for a while now. its not only the state after not dreaming, its the dreams too. Although, i refuse to call them dreams, i try to force myself to accept that they are any more than a figment of my imagination. 

When i fall asleep, my body turns off completely. im a heavy sleeper, nothing new. my problem is that i can perfectly remember faces, locations and actions that happen. I had a dream some time ago that i was being r@ped in a hotel room, while the song Hotel Room by Pitbull was playing. My room was right next to a person i was calling my friend, even if i never met that person irl. I remember pulling the curtains and seeing someone looking at me. he was right in front of my window, not far, just exactly there. then some time passed and i remember not being in my room anymore, but in someone elses. the man i saw at the window was now over me and shoving some material in my mouth, while pressing weights onto my chest while he SAd me. remembering something like this makes me tremble all over again. whats worse is that i remember the face perfectly, i could even draw it. its a person ive never met before. my problem is that it didnt feel like a dream, it felt like a memory. like a ptsd attack. it felt so real, so there.

two days ago i had a similar dream. i saw that man again, except it wasnt face to face. this time it was a woman. an elder woman dressed in a dar red velvet dress. she was sat in a wheelchair and had a cup of coffee in her hands. and there was also a girl standing next to her, im assuming her assistant. i was tied to a chair next to another woman which i remember calling mom, but she wasnt my mom. then it went dark, and i was thrown in a room with a boy around my age. i remember seeing him shaking and muttering something, as if he knew what was going on. then, that man came again and made us do things that to this day make me vomit, because i can remember so clearly. i remember that ugly twisted smile that man was showing us as he directed us on how to do and what to do. then it went dark again and i was in a car. it was parked, and i was in the drivers seat. on the backseat were bags of groceries. the car was parked but it wouldnt start. then i see a man approaching, but it was a different one. just then my real mom wakes me up and slaps my face, saying i was hyperventilating and moving. i fall asleep really quickly tho, it was like 9:30 when she woke me up. i swear after 5 minutes on the clock i 'wake' up again. i swear i wasnt dreaming, i was awake, not asleep. i see that man in the driver seat on a new car, one of those cars with a screen in front. his hand was on my leg and my feet were in his lap. he had a map open with a destination very far, thousands of kilometers away. i asked him where we were going and he showed me with my foot where we were going. i remember it was a black road, and outside it was dark. when you have a gps on google it shows you how the trafic is, and if its very busy its the color red. on this screen i saw the color black. then i remember this man choking me and i blacked out and woke up again. but this time i sat up. i was staring at the wall for some minutes, just shaking for no reason. thats how real it felt. these bits im remembering makes me feel like im remembering of my past life, because there is no way im just imagining all this. im really trying my best to offer details to make you understand just how real it feels when im having these dreams.