A love letter to femmes

The label Femme is something I've come to accept with absolute joy. My entire childhood was filled with pinks and frills and my mom doing my hair. It was equally balanced by the fact that I was loud, stubborn and dead set on becoming physically stronger than all the boys around me. Once I was aware of my queer identify, I rejected everything that I had before. I refused dresses at every request, I refused to do my hair or paint my nails, my makeup was minimal and never obvious. I paraded around in a masculine form, I made my voice deeper, I acted like a gentleman and relished when people called me that, I hit on only hyper-femme women, I worked out and let girls touch my biceps, I guess you could call me a "soft masc". I was clocked as a queer pretty much everywhere I went and I liked that. I liked being proud of my identity. 

But there was always something a bit wrong, ya know? I have always felt very set aside when it came to girlhood. I was the farthest thing from a straight girl and even if they were my friends, I was immediately othered. I struggled with comphet with the hope to fit in. When I realized I was a lesbian I was immediately distressed. Girlhood wasn't allowed for a girl like me. I would never get the privilege of being a normal girl. 

in my new lesbian identity, I tried to make the best of it. I delved into lesbian culture, consuming as much as I could. When I stumped upon such a label that made me abandon every notion of masculinity I had before. Femme. 

Something clicked when I read that. Femme for me is the comfort of a stereotypical patriarchal femininity with none of the patriarchy. Boys became Butches. Makeup became an almost form of drag. I looked so deeply feminine, it was queer. I allowed myself to be pampered and taken care of. Allowed myself to be soft and gentle. It felt wonderful, to be like this. My closet changed and my mother, while disappointed at my queerhood, finally felt welcome when we went shopping. Being a femme is one of those amazing fantastical queer things that I will never let go.