idk

i dont know what to do anymore. im lost tbh. Hey at least my friends are comforting me im glad to have them i truly am 🙏💓. Ill always remember them for being with me now. Had i been more communicative, Only if i had told her about my familys disaster that november, only if i could travel back in time and slapped the shit out of my self and hit myself with a metal bat and shouted "do NOT FUCKING SAY THAT TO HER ARE YOU INSANE? THINK FUCKER THINK THATS YOUR LOVE"

I..can only pray now. If I had more sense back then and just told her about the whole situation all of this wouldnt have happened at all and every moment we couldve spent together wouldnt have been lost. I had so so so many things i wanted to do with you. All came crashing down. They say that "However deep the darkness of night, the moon still finds a way to shine through it" Maybe just maybe this hopeless me will... get the love of his life back. I was learning to cook for you and only you. I threw away the note you gave me in despair but i got it back from the trasnbin. I still cherish and look at the hand-made gift you gave me, that alone was everything to prove your love. It sits there silently gazing on me. Do you remember? Do you remember how much you were giggling and smiling when i held your hands? and when you introduced me to your friends with so much happiness and joy? Do you remember when you clunged to my arms to take a pic? I loved every moment of it. I loved it when you brushed my hair with your pretty hands on those stairs and took a photo. 

I hope this dosent end like this. I always thought to myself "whoever would be my first would be my last" and i hope it goes that way one day.