TW! very important please read.

hi, me again.

its been a while, i kinda forgot about this website.

im having a really tough time at the moment. in august, i tried to kms and ended up in hospital, after that, i got removed from my mums house and got put into my grandparents house. it was going fine until january, when i had to get stitches for a really bad sh episode. after that i went into another delusional episode where i ripped out my stitches and got taken to the ED. 

after 10 hours CAHMS saw me but said they couldn't help me. so i relapsed in the hospital and got hospitalised there.

after that they sent me BACK to my mums, which is where i am now. heres the problem;

my mum is severely mentally ill and in denial about it. she has milder illnesses like ADHD, but also more severe/life changing ones like agoraphobia/generalised anxiety disorder. this cannot be all of her illnesses however, i know better than anyone that these are not the only things wrong. 

i have noticed she is suffering with severe depression, self destructive behaviour, delusions, memory impairment/distorted perception of reality, and a pessimistic attitude to everything that is to do with her. the problem is that she sees me and my sister as her possessions, as parts of her. meaning in her self neglecting behaviour, she is also neglecting us at the same time.

she has also recently shown signs of sabotaging others on purpose, me specifically.

because i am under 16, i dont have control of my own medical appointments, mental health appointments, social services meetings, or booking my own doctors appointments. and my mum likes to cancel all of my appointments. if a family member has made an appointment for anything health related for me, she will phone the NHS and cancel it personally. 

this means i am unable to get mental, physical, and general support from anyone.

my family cannot do anything to fix this. we are all trying but the NHS, social services, and legal teams cant do anything to change it. she has custody of me so she can choose. but i dont think that judgment is fair when a person is in a destructive, sabotaging headspace.

i dont know what to do. the only thing i can think of is leaving. for good.

i was originally planning to go when im 18, and save up money to move away from everyone, but i dont have the luxury to wait that long anymore. 

unfortunately my family does not have the means to support me and deal with my mental illnesses and effects from past trauma.

i am going to have to leave in march. i can hold out until my birthday (10th) when i get money. after that i will be gone in the next week.

i obviously cant go into details about where i am going to go on here, but i need support from someone, anyone. tips about how to stay safe, how to get help... anything.

-ame

(ps, i mean running away as in leaving... not kms)