tell me what's inside my head so i can rip it out

i'm spiralling and falling into a manic episode all over again. all because of someone that shouldn't matter in my life beyond what she does in the club i'm in. it's not something she personally did to me, no it's sooooo much stupider than that. i'm on the verge of betraying all my loved ones' wishes, going on a bender, and ruining my life because i learned she purposefully doesnt like to open up too much with others, people she considers friends. it just means she and i aren't compatible as friends. i know this, and yet i want to scream at any and everything i see and hear. i want to smoke a pack and drink beyond black out till my body bleeds. i want to cut everyone i love off so they dont have to see the mess that i'd become. i hate this; i hate that i have to take million goddamn pills every day to help everyone delude themselves into thinking i could possibly be doing better. i'm not doing better, i'll never do better. i've lost it. it's the point where everyone should just give up hope, let me burn and crash. who knows, maybe it'll be funny enough for you to use it as a silly story to tell your friends.