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so i always had plants in my room and they always died. why have i always gotten new ones? because i wanted to prove to myself that i’m capable of caring for another thing. maybe i was convinced that when something depended on me it wouldn’t leave.
now my first plants always died because i didn’t water them enough. so naturally, i started watering them more. they then died due to being overwatered.
but like two months ago i got a plant and decided this time i’d do everything right, i googled how to take care of it, chose the best spot in my room (with the best lighting possible) and watered it strictly as the internet told me to. this worked fine for quite some time but now it grew a leaf which has yellow spots. i just noticed it and stared at it way too long, as if it could explain to me what i did wrong. the other leaves are also starting to slowly die.
this is exactly how it has been with relationships, either i give too much and they’re repulsed or i give too little. my relationships always die. and when i try to do everything right, they die anyways. so why even bother? why do i even keep trying?!
it’s not like i should be the only one watering things anyways but even when i am (and i always am, no one ever bothers to give anything, or even show they care) they still all just leave. my plants and relationships are doomed to failure.
and i’m not just talking about romantic relationships, also platonic relationships (platonic love deserves a lot more credit btw, maybe i’ll write a blog about that one day).
the whole relationship, romantic attraction, platonic attraction stuff is very confusing anyways… i mean there are people who are dating but don’t have sex for example, which is fine, but i don’t see the difference between dating without physical intimacy and having a best friend. they say there’s romantic attraction, but what even is that? should i just date the person i love the most, no matter platonically or not? also like online dating makes the whole thing even more confusing, there are two people who literally just talk but they say they’re dating. why? is the only purpose of dating just telling the other person that they are your favourite person and you won’t replace them? just like a ‘please don’t like someone more than me’ pact?
either way i just wish i could have someone like that, someone who actually cares about me and won’t just leave. but i suppose i just can’t help it but to either under- or overwater my plants, or things were never meant to grow under my care. maybe one day i’ll learn the right balance.
or maybe the problem is that i keep choosing things that were already dying.
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TruxStar
i like how you visualize romance and relationships in general, but there's a key thing between plants and relationships that differ them. a plant relies on you to live and thrive, a relationship is a connection between two people who are already living and thriving. Or well to put it simple, if you take a day to yourself, if you turn your back to calm yourself down before coming back to them, or if they simply just feel overwhelmed and need some time alone, the relationship wont die off, it'll introduce silence, a silence you already had with this person before making a relationship, the only difference is that you love them. So that silence hurts, sometimes emotionally, sometimes mentally, sometimes it doesn't hurt but your confusion on why they need that silence can be what stings. This silence is usually the end all to most relationships, if you over-love your partner, that's not a bad thing, that's YOUR way of loving them, of appreciating them, and if that's too much for them that is completely okay for them too, we all love and feel love differently, if the energy is too high, its better to divert it, to water other plants so you don't drown the one you cherish the most and dehydrate the others, that's why we have gardens, communities, friendships.
Love itself, in my opinion, is to adore and cherish someone, friendly or not. That bucket of love you hold, don't contain it to just one spot or spread it thin, spray out all the water you want and however much you want, a lot of people these days don't realize that love is more than just being there daily, its being comfortable enough to sit alongside them, no words spoken, doing your own thing but feeling warm, feeling safe. Its what makes relationships possible, the intimacy, trust, comfort and care you feel for one another. and your right! best friends and platonic relationships are one in the same, online relationships and friendships are one in the same too. But people give different types of love to different people, you'd spill your whole day out and maybe more to someone you feel safe and comfortable with, but you might reword it, change it, keep or add a few things to someone else, even if you value them all the same.
To better understand, relationships don't need balance, they just need trust and communication, you can be against the world but as long as you have someone willing to hug you when you need it, and listen to your problems without judging you for it. Then it doesn't matter what you call it, what matters is if you love them and would do the same. Friendship or not.
and just remember, love is a thing best given with no expectations, it WOULD be amazing if reciprocated, it would sting a little if pushed away. But if you love someone for the right reasons, you'll be okay with the outcome. Though, everyone's a little different, so don't take too much of what I say to heart, it's just how I feel about romance. :> Thanks for reading if you got this far. Hope your well.
certified_yearner
ayy your first blog!!
:P
by mia420; ; Report