I went on a date and I'm terrified because I genuinely enjoyed it.

I'm writing all this with a lump in my throat, listening to music, and my vision is a little blurry because I had a date yesterday and today I feel like I ruined everything.

To give you some context, I grew up being bullied, from second grade 'til my senior year of high school. I was never anyone's crush, no one ever thought I was pretty, no one ever liked me. On the contrary, they considered me weird, and once, the cousin of a friend I liked told me, "He doesn't like you because you're ugly." They were just kids' words, but I always believed them, you know? I always told myself not to aspire to much, that I was just going to have friends, and that's an idea I got used to. I even consider myself, and others consider me, a very sociable person, but I started going out on my own and I shut myself off because my friends are too busy, and that's something I understand, because I'm busy too. I'm working and studying, after all. So, to sum it up, I never saw myself dating or being of interest to anyone.

On February 14th, a friend who almost died in a car accident invited me to go out with his girlfriend and friends. I accepted because I had nothing else to do and wanted to get out of the house for a while. Then I met his friend and felt like we might have clicked, but I only saw it as a new friendship because, as I said, I'm a very sociable person, so I didn't think much of it. This guy took me to my friend's house and then back home when I asked. Then we saw each other on my friend's birthday, and he asked if we could go out. I explained that with my busy schedule, I'm not usually on my phone or answering messages much, and I told him I could on Wednesday after work if he wanted.

Sure enough, we went out together, and he took me to different tourist areas where I live, places I'd honestly never been and thought would be a long way off. At one of our stops, he sat down on the grass and told me to sit next to him. I said no because I didn't want to get my work pants dirty, and jokingly told him that if he took off his jacket and put it on the ground for me to sit on, I would. I really didn't think he would, but he did, and... No one had ever done anything like that for me. Later, at our last stop, after talking for a while and looking at the nature, we walked to his motorcycle so he could take me home, because I had an online class. As we walked, he gently took my hand, and I reciprocated, trying not to show how nervous I was. He dropped me off at my house, and I arrived with a huge smile.

And I'm so freaking terrified by this. I told my friend, "I'm more used to negative feelings than positive ones." "My brain is processing the idea that maybe I could actually be attracted to someone." And my friend said, "Jj, you're physically attractive, you're kind and very nice, anyone with common sense could be attracted to you." And that's something I'm still trying to process, because I never thought I'd experience something like this. I had completely closed myself off to that possibility, and being neurodivergent, my brain has a hard time processing changes.

And my logic is screaming at me to sabotage myself, to walk away completely and go back to that comfort zone, because yes, I've had partners in the past, but I'm afraid that... I genuinely enjoyed that date, I genuinely enjoyed him giving me his jacket to sit on, I genuinely enjoyed him holding my hand, even though it's the most damn cliché thing in the world, I know and I'm aware of that, but it's so strange for me, it generates fear and uncertainty, it makes me feel like I have no control over the situation and the only thing I can try to do now is intellectualize everything to block myself from allowing myself to experience all of this, and even that doesn't work, I know I'm just sabotaging myself.

And I don't know, it's all so strange for me, I consider myself an intelligent person in different areas, but here I feel like a kid riding a bike without training wheels for the first time; terrified. I don't even know what kind of reflection to take this to, you know? I have a huge internal dilemma and this is kind of a way of giving shape to all the chaos that is happening.